Daddy-Less Daughters: Why You Should Think Twice Before Judging a Promiscuous Woman

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fatherlessBy Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

Having just watched Oprah’s Life Class On OWN, titled Daddy-less Daughters, I feel that we need to start re-thinking the way we perceive women who are judged as promiscuous. One of the male experts who contributed in the discussion about the effects of girls growing up not having their fathers in their lives, Dr. Steve Perry, affirmed that a lot of young women express their need for love and affection that is not $exual, surprisingly by having $exual relations with many boys and men.

When conversations about young women, or women in general,  being promiscuous take place, there is often a lot of shaming, judging and criticizing that is directed at them. While it is true that a young woman can and should exercise some self discipline with regards to who she shares her body with, we should consider that maybe the urge to be touched and held is often stronger than their self discipline.

Perry so poignantly pointed out that when we hear about young people, specifically young women self mutilating, we often get a visual of a young woman cutting herself but promiscuity is the more common way young girls who have grown up fatherless self mutilate.

Another revelation that came up during the life class was that many young women who “sleep around” will often confess that they actually don’t particularly like the boys or men that they have $exual relationships with but they get involved with them because they give them attention or tell them that they love them.

In the case of a young woman who has had a loving and healthy relationship with her father, being given attention and hearing “I love you” are a common occurrence so it is often not something that they crave. Unfortunately, in the case of a fatherless young woman, when a man who does not necessarily have good intentions says “I love you”, it is often all he has to say to get access to her body.

The way to help young women who may be vulnerable to this pattern of behavior is to educate them about why they have those urges and needs and teach them that there are ways for them to get their needs met in a more  healthy and appropriate way, such as in a healthy committed relationship.

The next time you think about judging, criticizing or shaming a young woman because you think she is promiscuous, consider that maybe she is just a father-less girl who is still searching for the love of a father.

Nomalanga helps Black women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , a former College Professor and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s Facebook page or Follow her on Twitter

 

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22 Comments

  1. NatishaStreet ToshaSmith on

    At what point does the father-less daughter stop blaming promiscuity on not having a father in thher life? After while, the moral guage should kick in.

  2. I really can't believe some people don't understand that it doesn't matter how and why the father is not in the child's life, it's the fact the there is a void left in these children's life. This void of mother or father leads to a number of self destructive issues of which promiscuity is one. Every action we take in life is formed by the relationship we have or don't have with our parents. It is not something that we are aware of on a cognitive level. so don't think that these women even know why they are acting out sexually to make up that void in there life.

    Without that foundation of parenthood our children's egos are malformed and suffer from low self esteem.

  3. I totally agree with Tosha and Michelle. There are many women who have their fathers who are very promiscuous and do it out of rebellion and dishonor toward the authority in and over their lives. Peer pressure, music and television promote this lifestyle. I totally agree that the absence of a father can have an effect on any person, but again as one of my sisters said earlier, what happens if the father died? Does that make a daughter run to any man who says “I love you?” We are so desperate to assign blame on something when this is really a case by case issue. And the one issue none of them want to discuss is many fathers are not in the lives of their children because of bitter ass mothers who were Jezebellic in nature and literally ran a man away or made even visiting his children a major drama issue. Especially is he has another girlfriend or wife. Talk about that!

  4. I totally agree with Tosha and Michelle. There are many women who have their fathers who are very promiscuous and do it out of rebellion and dishonor toward the authority in and over their lives. Peer pressure, music and television promote this lifestyle. I totally agree that the absence of a father can have an effect on any person, but again as one of my sisters said earlier, what happens if the father died? Does that make a daughter run to any man who says “I love you?” We are so desperate to assign blame on something when this is really a case by case issue. And the one issue none of them want to discuss is many fathers are not in the lives of their children because of bitter ass mothers who were Jezebellic in nature and literally ran a man away or made even visiting his children a major drama issue. Especially if he has another girlfriend or wife. Talk about that!

  5. People, look! To me this has very little to do with SEX, although who wants a promiscuous sexual partner in any relationship. To me my complaint against "Fatherless Daughters" is their lack of respect, sympathy, appreciation, support for the man in their life. I mean how can you expect a person to have all of the aforementioned qualities if they didn't even have an example or a rudimental experience of it. And most of the time they DOn't!

  6. Jeremy Cantor on

    I haven't watched that video, so I can't say anything intelligent about it, but an association between young female promiscuity and fatherlessness has been observed for many years — it's not news. But the recommended attitude may be news.

  7. I agree 200%. It is so very important for fathers to be in the lives of their daughters cause who can better advise girls on what is acceptable when dealing with the opposite sex! Some women will search for a father figure going from one man to another because deep down they feel if their father didn’t want them why would another man want them. More importantly women should think very carefully before they have a baby with just anyone as no mate can be both mom and dad!

  8. Fatherlessness is also having a huge effect on young boys and men. Almost 50% of all births are out of wedlock. If you grow up not having a father it's like silently being told that men don't matter, they are not important or needed. Women can't teach boys how to be men. They are not being shown/taught how important they are. Everyone needs a good father in their lives.

  9. Nene Beautee on

    I believe that it has nothidng to do with the absence of a father or father figure in a woman's life but the people. Responsible for their upbringing. I was brung up in a female monarch so to speak my grandfathers had past and my uncles were all far away so my mother, grandmother, great grandmother and aunts raised me and although my father wasn't there I've never searched for that love or feel empty because I was giving love at home. I'm not bitter or bitchy because my father was absent. I don't bash men and say I don't need them because if it had not been from my father or men I wouldn't be here just a thought.

  10. Seems like when girls have bad behavior there’s some underlying excuse but when boys do bad things, they’re just bad boys.
    I know girls who grew up with a father in the home and still had a lot of sex in college. The only thing their father at home did was keep boys off the doorstep and made sure the daughter was home at a reasonable hour. But once she was free of her father- the game was on.
    Maybe girls really like sex as much as boys do.

  11. Arnittra Henson on

    Just stop blaming everyone has their reason. Maybe she just likes screwing… she could love her daddy to death but still not want a commitment with one guy.

  12. Arnittra Henson on

    Would love to know how u justify promiscuous guys bc that has to have a reason too right… come on

  13. Aisha T. Bigbee on

    Ugh articles like this make me want to vomit. People need to take responsibility for their actions period. Your situation in life can make or break you… That is a choice. I feel that it is important to teach young women ownership of their feeling, bodies, and destinies instead of playing this blame game crap. I I think it's in what you are taught your value is. My value is not based on anything between my legs and certainly not in false promises or words uttered out of any males mouth.
    Best book I ever read as a teenage fatherless daughter was the Joy Luck Club… When the mom tells the daughter know your value and do not place it after someone else. Stuck with me my whole like. And I didn't need a father to tell me my value.. I knew it. Its real simple a good mother in a fatherless daughter life goes a long way as well.

    So I challenge other women out there to help other young women know what their value is and to stick K to your principles instead of letting a situation dictate your whole life.

  14. We as adults have to be a positive influence in the lives of our young ladies. We must promote education, respect, positive attitudes, support, positive examples, role models, and a connection to God! Discovering how to love yourself for who you are, is the most valuable lesson we can teach our youth. We must rule out the negativity that because I was a fatherless child, "I will not know how to love or be loved"! It's on the inside because we were created by a God that LOVES! Teaching pride in yourself gains love for yourself and warrants respect from others! Think positive!

  15. Thank you! It amazes me how in 2013 we still refuse to accept the idea that a woman can possess a sense of sexual agency. That if she has more sexual partners than what is approved by society, then there HAS to be some deep psychological trauma stemming back to her childhood when all it could really mean is that she just likes to fuck. The fact that we don't pseudo-psychoanalyze men in this same manner points to the sexual double standard being alive and well.

  16. Why can’t a woman just LIKE sex?! Why does she always have to be fatherless, or abused as a child or searching for daddy love or seen as lacking self esteem? Sheesh, maybe she just likes to orgasm, but is just fine living all the other parts of her life without being paired up with someone else. It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to enjoy sex with different people and still live a very fulfilling life without someone. You use condoms, you use birth control, and you be honest with the someone else and yourself.

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