Family therapist Tracy Wikander states that over the years in her profession she has seen many couples that want more s*xual intimacy in their relationships. She says that her husband’s profession as a relationship coach has opened her eyes to see that couple’s approach intimacy in different ways. One partner may want to be close to the other emotionally before they go jumping into bed with the other while the other feels that to be close you need to have that contact first. One of the biggest problems with this is that the couple may interpret each other’s feelings differently and cause an even bigger disconnect. One may think that the other is just trying to sleep with them while the other person is using s*x as a way of connecting with their partner.
Wikander says that there are four steps that you can take to get the intimacy back on track without a disconnect with emotions:
1. Communicate with your partner. Let them know how you feel about intimacy and being physical and get the conversation started. This way you know what the other person is thinking and feeling.
2. There are going to be differences in the way that you both gain intimacy. One may gain it through s*x, one may gain it through romantic gestures. This doesn’t mean that one person is right or wrong, it just means that you will need to communicate with each other. You will need to respect your partner’s way of being intimate or else the relationship will slowly dissolve.
3. Get a different perspective on their approach. For example if your husband comes up to you randomly and kisses you with a lot of passion, instead of automatically thinking that all he wants is to get into bed, think instead that maybe he is looking for a way to connect with you. Or if your partner rejects advances for s*x don’t think of it as rejecting you, think of it as wanting to take things slowly so that they can open up to you.
4. Don’t discard your partner’s method of gaining intimacy. They express themselves in a different way than you do which means that you will need to allow yourself to do it their way every now and then. Keeping the communication going will help with this and will help you both to understand where the other is coming from.