How To Remove a Toxic Black Woman From Your Life Before She Destroys It


kenya mooreBy Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

Many of us make the mistake of thinking that when our lives are full of toxicity, it is coming from “out there”. It very well may be but it should not always be a forgone conclusion. Below are the steps to take to remove toxicity from your life and since this is a blog created with Black women in mind, that should be our starting point:

1. Self Check

Before you start blaming other people for the state of your life, consider that you are the one person who affects your life more than anyone else. Maybe that toxic woman you need to remove from your life is YOU. Reflect on your thoughts, your words and your actions.

If you harbor negative thoughts about yourself, your life and about other people, that may be the source of the toxicity in your life. Do you  gossip and spread rumors? Do you constantly complain about  other people? If so…stop! There is no point in trying to change your life if you are not willing to change your negative thoughts, words and habits.

2. Physically remove her

After you have done a “self-check” the next move is to identify the people who you regularly associate with that are toxic. They can be toxic because they drain you of energy by putting you down, putting others down or just because they gossip and do and say unkind things. Stay away from them! Just because you’re Black and she’s Black, for example, it does not mean that you’re bound to that negative woman. If you can not entirely remove that person from your life, at least reduce your contact with her (or them).

3. Don’t Talk About Her

If you remove someone from your life because you have decided it is the best thing to do or because she has betrayed or hurt you in some way, make sure that you don’t continue to talk about her (or them) after you have removed them from your life. It makes no sense to remove someone from your life if you’re going to carry them with you by involving them in your conversations in their absence. Yes, what they did may have have been awful but the sooner you forget about it, the sooner you can enjoy your life, free of that toxic person.

4. Don’t Think About Her

Just in the same way you should not continue to talk about a negative and toxic person, don’t think about them or what they did or said that hurt you. Again, if you remove the person from your life, don’t carry them with you in your thoughts.

5. Forgive Her and Forgive Yourself

No matter how hurtful what someone did to you is, you have to forgive them. This, of course, does not mean that you let them in your life and give them the opportunity to do more hurt or harm, but it does mean that you release them along with the hurt and pain they have caused you. You also have to take responsibility for the fact that you let that person into your life and forgive yourself for that.

At the end of the day, if someone shows you who they are and what they are capable of, you always have a choice to allow them into your life or to keep them out. You also always have the choice to change if you find that you are your own worst enemy. If you don’t remove toxic people from your life, they will inevitable destroy it or make you miserable.

Nomalanga helps Black women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , a former College Professor and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s Facebook page or Follow her on Twitter 




  1. I cannot beleive that a black woman will write about the toxicity put on others by some black women. Now, I love you more than any other women on earth. But, some of you are hard to live with and you don’t even know it. Mostly, because the man in your life is to blame for all problems associate with your life. Stop thinking that looks or body shape is the great corrector, it isn’t and men tire of attitude very quickly and get ready to move on. Take my advice, a true smile can get a man and keep him far more than an internet site. Stop looking for the man with the most money, it will run out with your spending habits. Stop looking only for looks, time is the great equalizer. The old saying is relevant, “Don’t look for love, be lovable and accept it”

  2. Great article. Although I truly believe it would probably be more beneficial or relative to associate it to “any toxic” person. However, I’m clear.

  3. My older sister Leora Danielle King-Williams, got arrested numerous times and use my name. I have never been arrested. Now I cannot get a job, pay my bills and just live. It is happening right now. I cannot afford a lawyer to get this straight. Now you say forgive. How? I homeless, hungry and past upset, can’t pay any bills. I cannot even get a Mcdonalds job because of her criminal record that pops up on my name and backgroud check right now. How do I start to forgive?

    • Check into whether or not your State has free legal services and start from there. It might be a long process but well worth it! God Bless

  4. Peace, great article, I see thousands of articles making women out to be victims. It’s always some mans fault for their misery etc. I see statements and articles starting with “A REAL man” etc. etc. I never see any women really taking issue with this. As soon as an article comes out holding up a mirror in front of them, now it “shouldn’t single out women” :/ Can’t have it both ways.

  5. Real Talk! Some of these Sister’s just Won’t let a Brother Go! I got tired of hearing Negative BS & moved out of the Country! Why do some ignorant Black’s who never been out of the Country keep calling other Black people White because When you never been off the Block you have a Towback view of everything & everybody else! To know thyself is to know all Men & Women on this Planet! I have dated Belizian Women Puerto Rican Women & Aboriginal Women ALL of these Women Are Blacker then Darth Vader Stop it! And stop Hating somebody you don’t even know!

  6. This is so true! There was a point in my life where I was surrounded by nothing but negative people! I used to blame them but when I came across the statement you are who you attract that’s when I started to do the inner work. I ended up removing the wrong people out so the right ones can move in.

  7. I think this is a great article. Of course some black women want agree. Probably the black women who have this disease I call ” THE BLACK INDEPENDENT WOMAN SYNDROME”. It’s those so call independent black women that think they don’t need a man, they think they can raise a boy to be a man, they don’t have a man or can’t keep one, blame the black man for all their issues, etc. Willie Lynch ( look him up) , the slave master who taught all the other slave masters to divide black by color, and break down the man and lift up the woman so she can teach the children to honor and obey the master. It’s still working. Over 80% of our black families are single parents, and usually means the woman has the kids. We don’t have good statists with our black kids with our black women, (1 out 4 black boys go to prison, 50% of our black boys not graduating high school, etc.) but let them tell it they don’t need a man. WAKE UP BLACK FOLKS. Let you kids father know he’s needed whether he’s good or bad. He can teach them something you will never , ever be able to. Take the criticism from the article and from my message, learn from it and cure yourselves from that disease ” BLACK INDEPENDENT WOMAN SYNDROME”. YOU NEED US LIKE WE NEED YOU… I LOVE YOU!

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