Jada Pinkett Smith: The Reality of Divorce

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divorced-coupleOn the wedding day, everybody is happy and everyone is optimistic about the future. No one gets married with the full intention of getting a divorce. Everyone wants to believe that their future is bright and that their marriage will work.

The sad reality is that, even with the best of intentions, half of the happy wedding couples will eventually end up back at the court house, only the second time around it will not be for a marriage license; it will be for a divorce.

It may be hard to face the fact that you now have a new reality to face and as hard as it may be, you still have to move forward. Jada Pinkett Smith shared some words of encouragement and motivation for anyone who may be struggling after divorce:

“Letter to a friend:

You are divorced. Your ex-husband is not being kind or considerate, but you can’t harp on it because it steals the energy that should be given to your potential and power. At the end of the day, your survival is at risk, and you complaining about what he is not doing and what he should be doing does not change your circumstances. We have to use these circumstances to analyze what we need to do different, how do we need to strengthen, and how we need to be more. You are strong and capable, and now you have been put in a position where you must use your capabilities to change your circumstances without your ex’s help or kindness.

In the ideal world, the circumstances in which you and your children are facing are unacceptable, but the most painful realization I have had about this life is that we are not entitled to anyone’s kindness or consideration. THAT, is a painful truth.

Stay focused and keep it moving.

J “

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10 Comments

  1. I agree. Marriage is a beautiful thang,divorce could be good or may be bad.whatever you start out doing with your spouse you have to keep it up. Keep the fire burning., and conversation coming.grow spiritually with mercy and grace.

  2. You’re absolutely right, we are not entitled to anyone’s kindness or consideration. However, the world is a better place when we show more respect.
    Even in cases of divorce where there is true respect, then there is peace. Divorce doesn’t have to be the end; it should be the beginning of another journey, through life.

  3. Sometimes I think that folks forget that love is a subjective emotion that can only be quantified by commitment. I have been with my bride for 14 years and I’m just now beginning to understand how I am supposed to love her and accept who and what she is. It is truly a fascinating exploring who this woman is and is not. At some point I had to do as my grandparents did (my greatest example) and that is trust the God of the bible and trust the Lord as a child trust their parent(s). Blessing to you all.
    Dawood

  4. If we want a successful marriage, we should seek out the counsel of those who have been successful at it, BEFORE we say “I do!” Let us “listen to the voice of experience.” And let us get at least three opinions from these experts.

    Part of any pastor’s premarital counseling should be the bride and groom’s group session with those who have been married at least forty years. These married couples have a wealth of knowledge and information which they would gladly share.

    Furthermore, couples wanting to get married should spend at least a year trying to figure out how not to become part of divorce statistics. The fact of the matter is that less than 25% of couples actually stay married “until death do us part”. About half of married couples today begin divorce proceedings and are trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives, within the first five years. There are several reasons why most marriages fail, and those who ignore these reasons are treading the path to the same heart-rending destiny.

    “Look who’s talking” and giving advice about marriage. No matter how many credentials and degrees one may have in marriage counseling, experience is still the best teacher.

  5. I hear you Jada, but your comments have the typical “blame the man” feel to it. Very few women ever apologize or accept responsibility for the role they play in the demise of a relationship. Black women especially are more guilty of neglect in relationships. Meaning most do not understand how to actively care for a man, instead they do nothing then wonder why their men leave or look elsewhere. Get a lesson on how to treat a real man. No wonder Steve Harvey made a killin on his book and movie.

    • Mr Bee, I understand what you’re saying, and I’m glad that you chimed in. However, I don’t agree with you. I didn’t feel that the letter had a “blame the man” feel to it at all.
      I do feel that you speak in generalities when you say that very few women ever apologize. Unless you are a counselor, doctor or therapist. Then saying most women would mean that you speak to a number of women on this subject matter, in order to come up with such a statement. In any case, some relationships simply don’t work because people get together for different reasons, and compatibility is not always one of them. You said “Black women are especially guilty of neglect in relationships. Meaning most do not understand how to actively care for a man.” Are you kidding me? Our role is not to care for you, that was your Mother’s role. Our role as wife and partner is to love and support you, not to care for you,care for yourself. Maybe most “do nothing” because they are tired of doing too much! The tone of your message sounds as if you might be with someone other than an African American woman. And that’s fine, just don’t make us out to be the villan so that you can feel better about what you’re doing, or who you may be with. Furthermore, maybe you should get a lesson on how to treat a “real woman.” Afterall, it was probably a black woman who taught YOU how to love and care about someone other than yourself. And Steve Harvey is probably making a “killin” because there aren’t that many black movies being produced and because people obviously like to read. May you have peace!

  6. Patti Peoples on

    Well written and a truthful letter, that Jada sent to her friend, except for one part. there are children involved in this situation; I kept reading to be sure. We all know that children are not borne “through an egg alone”. Women who choose a lifestyle free of physical-congress with a man, never even have a reason to think about their eggs, unless there’s an illness associated in some way. But, when a “husband demands, forcefully, or through some other means of reminding his wife of “her wifely-duties” that’s when “entitlement- begins.” I’m older than Jada, the product of a broken-home, too; (reminds me of Gil-Scott Heron saying “he didn’t know he was from a broken home until he was 13 yrs of age. )after the death of his beloved grandmother.) I am the product of two-people, who married-twice, and divorced twice. The “egg” that was “me” was fertilised during these peoples’ second marriage.They weren’t even living together at the time, and no they “weren’t kids playing house” either. Like a lot of women before her she thought the thought of a baby would straighten him out. I spent 15 yrs. listening to her say “a man shouldn’t have to be MADE to take of his child(ren), or responsibilities.” She switched-it up ! I heard it but, of course, I didn’t know what it all meant. I heard people coming up to us (my mother and me), that is, (saying: “girl, you mean to tell me, all of that money that he makes and he won’t give you any of it for his only-child.” She sadly nod,and say “yes.”Thank God, some MEN felt that it was “un-kind” and “un-fair” for members of the small communities,having to “pinch-off” to try to help feed and clothe,a “houseful-of children” when there was the “sick and the “elder’s a lot of whom needed help too! My father’s initial support allocation was $10.00 a week ! Don’t pity me though. It didn’t end exactly like it started, nor exactly as it should have.

  7. @J see Know Men want do without his Family yes I sad it Men just Need to see if U love, Respect him. I know U Lady’s have see when U walk in a room He stop talking. This is Good for You but U want to know we keeping U from.
    Getting heart or it’s not for U to here!! “Respect” Is the Love Respect is the highest from of Love from any Man. If he say anything to U like call U A B***H and put his Hands on you that is the highest from of “Disrespect” from him. If she/He not “respecting” U know women can say with him. Stop looking for a Person that got it all to gethere Thay not real. If U Respect me with U Respect me when I
    Not around. And stop say Men sleeping around. It take 2 to sleep around.If He see how much Respect you have for him he do the same for U.
    Most Married people don’t Respect each other. Your kids got see U have it for each other then they do it as well.

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