Nomalanga: Come On Single Ladies, You’re Not Fooling Anyone

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gabby and kerryBy Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

A few days ago, I posted a Facebook status about the trend that I am seeing with the latest shows on television that feature Black women as the main characters. Shows such as VH1″s Single ladies, ABC’s Scandal and BET’s Being Mary Jane all depict single Black women who have successful careers and, by society’s standards, are gorgeous women but when it comes to their love lives or their romantic relationships, they are all “a hot mess”.

My Facebook post basically questioned why there is a constant push-back about how Black women are being depicted as desperate and single when a lot of Black women actually claim they want to be single; don’t want to be married and actually are single and not married. I put it across that rejecting marriage and family life is like rejecting The Cosby Show’s Claire Huxtable and embracing Olivia Pope (Scandal) and Mary Jane. What I was questioning was why, when many women reject marriage and family life, is there so much complaining when the very life that many women “choose” is depicted on television?

To me, marriage is a potentially beautiful thing and I believe that it is the backbone of society. I believe that healthy and functional marriages are the best environments to raise children who grow up to positively contribute to their communities and society in general.

While I understand that marriage may not be for everyone, I believe that many people who say they choose to stay single are not really making a choice. I think there are many people who have made several attempts at building relationships that they hoped would lead to marriage but ended up disappointed instead because the relationships just didn’t work out.

A great example of this process is someone who says that they want to go to college and they start taking classes and keep failing them and eventually drop out. They probably fail so much because they may have gone to a very poor public school which did not prepare them for college and they struggle much more than everyone else who may have gone to better public schools or had tutors or went to private schools. They may also fail because they lack the focus and discipline it takes or they are just not adapting to a new environment.

A person who has failed repeatedly to get their degree who then starts saying that “school sucks” and they don’t think that school is necessary because Bill Gates dropped out and became a millionaire does not fool anyone. Are there people who never stepped foot in college and went on to build successful careers and build wealth? Of course there are but we can not confuse them with people who may have lacked the discipline, focus and preparation that it takes to get through four years of college.

Just as with the college example, where someone decides against college and builds their career and wealth without it, there are people who honestly have had great relationships and just know enough about themselves to know that marriage is just not the path that they want to take and I can respect that. The person, however who has a series of train wrecks that they call relationships and then says “I choose to be single” is however usually a person who is having the same relationship over and over again and would rather say they are “happy” being single than just facing the fact that a change needs to take place and that change needs to take place within them.

I have often heard it said that “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge” and some people do just that; they don’t acknowledge that there is something they have to change and it becomes easier to just say they don’t want something that they may desperately crave.

Of course there are women who are in marriages and relationship that are miserable and they too would rather suffer through it than acknowledge that a change needs to take place. The are not fooling anyone either!

The bottom line is this, every person must be honest with themselves about what they truly want and they must be willing to go through the growth and transformation that it takes if they currently don’t have what they want and are struggling to get it. Saying you are fulfilled by something while you suffer through it is an act of violence against your soul. Even if you can fool everyone around you, you know, deep down, that you are living a lie and until you start telling yourself the truth, you will be in a prison of your own making.

Ladies, free yourselves; tell yourselves the truth…whatever that truth is.

 Nomalanga helps Black women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , a former College  Professor and Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s Facebook page or Follow her on Twitter

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93 Comments

    • Personally, I am sick of hearing people tell single women “they don’t mean it” when they say they do NOT want to be married.

      It’s the kind of thing that ultimately gets everyone in trouble.

      When you want to be by yourself and somebody is constantly throwing “You MUST have husband, you MUST have children” in your face when you really don’t want it, especially when you are young…after awhile, they actually convince you that you won’t be happy until someone else has ruined your life and you’ve sufficiently ruined theirs.

      It’s almost like desperate people who want these types of relationships think EVERYBODY is as desperate as them, or “something is wrong with them.”

      If it’s a woman, she MUST be an “L.” If it’s a man, he MUST be “G.”

      NOT.

      Some folks actually LIKE being single. It’s a comfort zone for them, and they simply aren’t scratching around trying to obey someone else’s commands about who they are and what makes THEM happy.

      All this, “surely you can’t be happy like that,” has ruined one life too many; and it’s time for it to end. Seems to me people who see happy single folks can’t stand to see other people happier than they are, so they have to find a way to bring them down by telling them how UNHAPPY they must be as single people.

      How about some folks like their peace and quiet, and that aloneless, and when they want to be with people, they know exactly where to go and what they want to do and nobody’s standing over them watching a clock or telling them where they can’t go or what they can’t do and who they can’t hang out with.

      It’s easier to get involved at YOUR convenience and be able to walk than it is to make a commitment to some ‘permanent fixture’ who is ultimately going to do nothing but get on your nerves and get in your way, and hold you up from actually being able to LIVE YOUR LIFE out of some twisted notion that you’re “supposed” to be together.

      Says who?

      If that is selfish, then selfishness is the ‘new generosity’.

      • @Reneegede

        OMG!!! You made me fall off my sofa busting up!!! You are too funny but “RIGHT-ON-SPOT”…..LOLLIPOPS!!! LMBO!! Truth be told its fun being single, I don’t care what nobody say “AIN’T NOTHING LIKE FREEDOM & PEACE OF MIND… One thing I do believe, with God all things are possible… if I ever get married I must always be able to walk in my own individuality. I’m a free-spirit to the max, if God send a mate my way he “MUST” match my lifestyle and my spiritual creativity by also being his own individual…wink! Amen Sistah DJ….wink!!! You got it going on, just because you tye the knot doesn’t mean the fun stops!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeee!!! I gotta toss some wine on that!!!

      • Renegade…
        You hit the nail on head! I have not witness many successful marriages…especially when my dad was abusive to my birthmom (who died when I was three) then had to take my stepmom to the hospital due to a broken nose from my dad. As a upcoming Dr…I prefer my peace and quiet as a single.

      • You said this so much better than I. So happy Someone else out there not “scratching around” as you stated so well, for a partner or mate. I will not deny that if I met someone and we cliqued and wanted to spend our lives together He would have to be my best friend.

        I have a classmate who is successful in all areas of her life but She longed for a Husband. At 49 She finally got one and She is having a blast but Her attitude has changed somewhat, now she is so busy flossing that she has a husband and thinks everyone should as well and is acting like she knows everything on how to “correct” all the ails of “The single lady” she seems to know everything and she is starting to get on my nerves.

        • Lmbo!!! Girlfriend how soon they all forget… different strokes for different folks… what works for her and her man is just for her and her man… Both of you are women but you got your own mold… When God release your husband to you taste buds have a way of their own…wink!

      • Thank you for this post. I’m happily unmarried but very much not alone or lonely. I was out with three girlfriends recently. One married, one divorcing and two of us single. The happily married friend began to tell me to hold on a little longer that God had the perfect husband for me, I turned to the group and said, “I’m going to be the rich aunt with the mansion on the hill who dies and leaves family wealth and breaks the generational curse of poverty that’s plagued most of my family in recent history.” Everyone almost fainted. I was being sincere. Shortly after, the divorcing friend got a hate FILLED message from her husband because he didn’t know here she was, and the husband of the other married friend started blowing up her phone because he wanted her to come home. Me and the single friend could have sat for at least two more hours laughing, and having a great time……we were all in a sisterhood of fun fest, but we didn’t want them to feel bad because they both had to leave. I truly believe AND I WANT YOU ALL TO LISTEN TO THIS…..READ IT SLOWLY ALOUD….. “The single sister ‘by choice’ is the new interracial marriage.”. People used to swear interracial couples were together to spite society or as a residue of slavery. They had been done bad by a man or woman in their race and they crossed the street because they are liars…..or too stupid to know or admit the truth of what they really wanted. Now however, we see that most IR Love is really a deeper love because being together interracially is not for the faint of heart or just for lust or kicks or a political statement. Same with us single sisters. I just exited a 10 year committed relationship with a man. Wonderful partnership and lover until the last six months. Then it was hell. He wanted to get married six months in. I said no. I went as far as becoming his committed partner for legal purposes, and because of everyone crucifying me for not marrying the wonderful brother. It shut them up for a hot minute. a decade later…..Had we been married I’d be in jail, as he did some corporate crimes that I would have inherited to include his debt. He tried to use the car as a legal weapon. He certainly would have have fed any child we had together bullets and executed me. I never wanted, thought or could have predicted the end of that once beautiful decade of my life, but I sure knew I didn’t want to be a wife or mother. I Have known this since I was about 4. My friends had babies around 30 and boy did they select amazing names. Royal, Jada Grace, Serene, Destiny, Talia Toray…..I asked how they came up with such lovely names. Some had the names selected since grade school, for the daughters they knew in their hearts they’d have one day. I never thought about that, though my parents were married 51 years until daddy passed in October. I never thought after college I’d marry my law school boyfriend at 23, get married and have 2 babies by 33. I always thought about being a business woman, being rich and buying my disadvantage relatives houses next door to each other and them running parts of my company. I dreamed this before I was in 1st grade. I asked God for a sister before kindergarten and he delivered but I never heard God tell, direct or spark anything in me that caused me to want to be married. I’m certain I’d be just as blissfully happy as I was in my last relationship with a dynamic man. Ten years of marriage would be the stamp of approval from the writer and society. I didn’t want marriage. I just don’t want to be married and like the previous poster I would appreciate everyone if you would stop telling me I’m lying about it……just like you used to say the black man with a non-black wife was lying or fooling himself into believing he really was longing for a black mate. If you are sure I’m fooling myself about wanting marriage, is it possible there are women longing for babies who are fooling themselves into thinking they want to be mothers?

      • Reneegede I agree with you wholeheartedly. Many of these so called experts miss the big picture and honestly cannot at all relate to people whose struggles, trials, and tribulations they don’t share. Nomalanga is a former beauty queen and probably had a fairly decent life. I know there is much racism and war in Botswana where she is from. But not all Africans from Africa struggled and dealt directly with war and racism. I know several African people from various parts of Africa who are much better off than some white Americans here in the US, and had a much better life. In much of Africa, most of the Middle class people have maid service. It’s very common there. Even though i don’t know this woman, my guess is that she has not struggled to the degree that people have here in this country who have hit rock bottom. People born to crack mothers, absentee fathers, who’ve experienced homelessness. People who may have learning disabilities like dyslexia, or any other number of things and this is why they aren’t successful in college. And many people who in this country just dont’ have the thousands of dollars to pay for college. You can’t judge people Nomalanga unless you know there story and/or have lived it yourself. You can say people make excuses and criticize, but if you were in that persons shoes, you may be forced to make the very same choices they made. Granted we all have choices, but we all dont’ have the same amount of choices. Let’s be real, the more money you have, and the better support system you have, the more choices you have. That makes all the difference in the world because it makes things a hell of a lot easier in this country. Without one or the other, or both your choices are pretty limited. Some people only have 2 choices because a lot of basic elements we need to survive in this life they do not hve.
        Like, money, family, friends, a good strong, solid support system, help etc etc etc.
        So please be less judgemental and critical of people who aren’t living the “American Dream.”
        We forget the so called “American Dream” is not Everyone in America’s dream.

        • As for my comments on the article, please tell me Nomalanga how a woman can control a man proposing to her if it never happens?
          If you know the bible you know that God did Not intend for every human on Gods green earth to marry and have children. None of the 12 apostles ever married or had children. Christ never married or had children. Yes in the Old Testament, particularly Genesis it was necessary to populate the earth and create people and mass reproduce. However, Paul said this in 1 Corinthians 7:9 “Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
          So God doesn’t mean for everyone to marry.

          • My other comment is this – how do you have a blog posts that discusses how some women aren’t marriage material while having a blog posts that discusses how women are lying to themselves about wanting to be married?
            If a woman isn’t “marriage material” then it makes perfect sense that she doesn’t really want to be married. Honestly, many people that strongly desire to get married, and do go on to marry should not be married at all. Marriage is a huge undertaking and responsibility. Just like college, it’s not for everyone. People who aren’t responsible are not good candidates for marriage.
            The other things on the list are also good reasons why many men and women are Not marriage material, hense the divorce rate. I don’t think making women feel like they need to be wives and mothers to define who they are is the answer. It will surely not bring down the divorce rate.
            There is a woman that teaches love classes and couples classes to singles. This woman teaches people how to love and how to be together in a relationship. This is what people need, not a push to find a spouse. Many married people nowadays are completely clueless on what it truly takes to make it last forever. What good is it to push women to want to be wives and have families, the marriage has an expiration date, and in a few years she’s divorced and a single mother. Her life has not gotten any better or improved as a result of her being married.
            My point is this, “everything aint’ for everybody.” So before encouraging women to act like they want to be wives, make sure they actually do want to be wives.
            Also make sure there are suitable husbands for them. Even Michael Baisden has said on his show that sadly, many women do not have truly good, decent, kind, caring, loving, honest, and true men of good character to choose from.
            Most everyone woman i know has been cheated on, and lied to by her husband. You have wives getting STD’s from their husbands, wives whose husbands are on the DL, wives who have to deal with their husbands having other children with other women, wives whose husbands have no time for them, wives whose husbands treat them worse than whores. All of the divorced women are know are much much happier and have much more peace After they are divorced. The quality of men out here, (of all races and ethnicities) from what I can see is subpar at best.
            It takes a whole lot more to be a good husband than just providing and making 6 figures or more and putting it down in the bedroom. A man can be the best man in the world, but if he is a liar and cheater i can do without that.
            I would much rather be single and childless than be with a man who will potentially end up lying and having affairs.
            No woman deserves that. But it seems like sadly nowadays many women have to put up with a whole lot of bs, lying and cheating just to have and keep a man.
            No thank you. Like my mother taught me, “I can do bad all by myself.”

  1. Good stuff. I fall into the category of a guy that’s had many relationships and never found the one that worked out. I can sleep well at night because I know that I did my best in those relationships and they simply weren’t meant to be. Sometimes people just don’t find the right person and we have to make the best of things and stay positive and look at the bright side of things. I think that’s where the claims of ‘happy to be single’ come in.

    • @Vandellish
      I keep looking at your post name. Sometimes God is not ready to share us, he may have other avenues he wants us to adventure up before He allows us to become joined to our mate he has chosen for us.
      Then some of us were not created for marriage, but for other purpose in the kingdom. God will always show us the way and bring us to our true purpose.
      If you haven’t already asked, just ask him what you will, plain and simple, then wait for him to answer, you do want to know what your destiny and purpose is, and God doesn’t mind you asking him…

    • And sometimes we develop a habit of choosing the same types of people to date and mate with. That may be your problem.

    • “While I understand that marriage may not be for everyone, I believe that many people who say they choose to stay single are not really making a choice. I think there are many people who have made several attempts at building relationships that they hoped would lead to marriage but ended up disappointed instead because the relationships just didn’t work out.”

      While that statement is true, there are also people who enjoy being single. There are women who never dreamed as young girls of some fairytale wedding as has been, thanks to the media, embedded in many a young girls’ psyche from birth. Between the influence of Disney and the media, everything is referred to as a fairytale this or fairytale that. Marriage is romanticized. I notice when a lot of women marry, they spend more time creating this dream wedding than they do getting to know their prospective husbands. The tiara is their headpiece of choice, completing the fairytale look. Grown women. Small wonder the divorce rate is so high.

      That said, I grew up fantasizing about being a doctor. Some of us fantasize about careers, not getting married. A companion is nice, but why do we have solidify the relationship with marriage? Maybe we are in the minority – I don’t know but if we say we have no interest in getting marriage, we are labeled lesbians as if being married is the only option in life.

      Everything I’ve heard and observed about marriage says it’s hard work. It’s not hard work being single. Some of us are comfy in our own skin, by ourselves. Our happiness does not depend on our marital status. When we want the company of others, we simply reach out. We can go and come when we please, be as lazy as our hearts desire, have friends of the opposite sex without stressing about whether or not it’s appropriate and for a host of other reasons.

      Not everyone wishes to be single. I hope they find whoever makes their hearts tingle, and they have a long and happy life together. I respect their choice. I would just appreciate the same respect as a woman who chooses to be single.

    • Vandellish there is nothing wrong with being happy to be single. There is nothing wrong with being satisfied with where you are and who you are, and not always trying to be something else, and/or somebody else.

  2. Wow! I guess we’re on it..

    I married at age 18, had 4 children, divorced at age 35, went through a long healing process, thought I wanted to get married again until I started learning about the real me and how I matter, and what freedom of choice without compromise really felt like, to actually live it from day to day doing what ever I please, relaxing, communicating with as many men as I desire without having to feel like I’m cheating or I’m locked away under some man’s [email protected] ego-tistical spell…
    The more and more I learned about myself and my freedom of choice I became more of a “FREE-SPIRIT”, creativity began to flow more into my life, my spiritual gifts began to heighten to levels off the chart til I started to become over-protective about the real me, my spiritualality, everything about me that my God created in me.
    God became my man, my significant other, my lover without compromise, my unconditional lover, my everything..
    God never gives his women demands, he gives us choices. Black-men give us demands while they throw bullshyt at us all in one blow.
    Mentally I can no-longer deal with the drama, if I can’t have the fairytale then it ain’t worth havin.. and just the thought of some man coming into my life and touching me with his [email protected] horrible male-ego corrupt “CO-DEPENDENT ISSUES” and ways is enough to send me off the deep-end…
    I do not want the positive process in my new life “TAMPERED” with at all, and its not worth the chance to me… I see too much destruction in our black-men. We do have some good black-men, but very very few in numbers and not enough to take a chance on when it comes to relationships..

    WHO CAN WE REALLY TRUST

      • I disagree…a person will do to you whatever they feel they can get away with when they can get away with it…in other words, no one is looking for disrespect, hatred, raw and arrogant, lies and deception. You can “guard your heart” all day long, however, being imperfect it shows up in your face at the most inconvenient time. Take the woman whose husband “loved her”, but took her deep sea diving and left her at the bottom of the ocean on their honeymoon. You think she saw that coming? Wrong…same with some of these demented men who don’t know which way is up with their own life, let alone your life. I’ve been there and done that and was caught off guard after all the last honey, honey, baby, baby, was expressed. A turn in the heart is not easily detected, till the mess hits the fan. “The heart is deceitful and DESPERATELY wicked, who can know it” (KJV BIBLE) Life happens to all of us, it’s just sad it also happens in marriage, which ends up in divorce. Between the two, give me my peace of mind, even if it means I stay single!

        • @Elaine…

          Powerful! Very very powerful testimony! You are a very strong black-woman. A woman cannot speak on any subject concerning challenges of a black-woman with such integrity and grace if she has not walked through an experience. Thank you for sharing Elaine and thank you Lord for Elaine / I feel You…

        • I hear you and agree. We can’t make a bad situation good alone. Two people have to want a relationship to work for it to work. Too often that is not the reality for many. Ty

    • Redbone,
      It’s more than obvious that you were part of a dysfunctional relationship and like most people have attached all of the blame of the dysfunction on the other party rather than examining yourself as Nomalanya suggested: “Even if you can fool everyone around you, you know, deep down, that you are living a lie and until you start telling yourself the truth, you will be in a prison of your own making.” You, like most youths (18) romanticized about what their idea of a perfect marriage would be and attached that artificial realization onto someone who would never achieve the grandeur you came up with. We all do it. We have a tendency to fall in love with BEING in love rather than the person we say we love. Seldom do we take the time necessary to get to learn ourselves and then learn someone else. We all have inclinations to fall in love with the physical attributes of another person rather than taking the time to get to know the character and mannerisms of them.
      Currently you sound like a selfish hot-mess hiding behind the cloak of Christ rather than taking the time to learn who you are. I have the right to speak to you in this manner because I too had rejected women because I found that my wife had been cheating while I went to work and completed my degree. I in turn refused all female company other than godly conversation; that was it. My pastor told me that I had given up on women and I happily agree and told him of the selfish hearts embedded in most women so as not to be hurt again I left them all alone, thank God He opened my eyes and now I’m over the pain and open to living my life with my gift and in turn being considered a gift by her.
      Finally, if the freedom you spoke on of dating multiple men has intrigued you by chance, it is likely that deep down you held these belief and to a degree displayed them while you were yet still married thus antagonizing your husband and causing him emotional distress, yes men have feelings and we also have our own kind of intuition; yes sista we know when things are dirty we just love you enough to overlook them. Redbone and all of the ones agreeing with her please reread the comment from Victor and the article of Nomalanya and reflect.

      • @REAL MAN

        All I can do is laugh my a$$ off at you and excuse your ignorance of not knowing any better. Your another one who doesn’t read with a focus.. My post said nothing about sleeping around on my husband, or cheating of any kind. Your so [email protected] far out in left field you need to be totally put up out of the game, my X-husband was an alcoholic and a crack-head and he still rides the same horse to this very day, don’t even get me started. Real “Coherent” men don’t waste their precious time screwing up somebody else post, and just because I keep real don’t make me a bitter-woman, Redbone is a very very very informed woman, and black men with half brains like yourself can’t take away my gain, so deal with your own [email protected] devil in your closet, I haven’t anymore because Redbone is free… that’s the difference between you and me. RealMan you need to go insearch of getting your ownself (FOUND)…

        • I could not click like so I am writing to say that I love your share. You are right on point. Some men and woman would not understand what you are saying as it requires a mature and developed person to really know what you speak of. I am a married woman, who has been with my husband for fourteen years. I did not marry until I was almost 40, however, and was not looking for a husband when we connected. Having grown up in a family with some pretty independent women as well as my father who is also major influence in my life, I learned early that marriage is an attractive option, but not a requirement. I like being married, however, it is not for everyone. My husband is a very mature and evolved man so we work. We are not traditional in that he does laundry and housework although he is Vice President of a company, and I manage the family’s fiscal affairs. I have a professional job that requires me to travel at times, and at different points I made more money than he did. He has never been intimidated by that, as he is comfortable in his own skin. We don’t speak to one another in a disrespectful manner and love each other’s company. We shared in the raising of our children and are pretty fulfilled. My sister, however, has continually thrown shade at us because she feels that he is somehow cheated as a husband because she feels that I should play a more traditional role. She on the other hand has to tip around her home, be spoken to like she is a child, constantly complains about not being heard, has to get permission to spend money she earns, etc. I never have a word to say about her marriage, but she constantly tried to raise some banner of support for my “maligned” husband until he set her straight by telling her that he married a partner and a friend, not a maid or a child. Everyone’s life and desires are different. What works for one person may not work for another. It is all ok. Some people – men and women – don’t think highly of Black women for no other reason than the fact that we were once slaves and then the HELP. We’ve been Big Ma, Aunt Jemima, etc. They think that we should accept less and that we could never be anything more than what they perceive us as being. They will never accept our freedom and independence. Real Man sounds like one of those people. Girl, do you and keep it pushing. It is after all, your life. You don’t have to justify your development to anyone.

          • @DJ…

            Thank you so much for your reply, you are such a blessing because your honesty is so rich and very rare. God has been ministering many things to my spirit these days concerning our people. I’m a proud black-women who doesn’t walk in shame, and I’m not afraid to share my life’s walk, because I walk for the purpose of healing in God’s kingdom rather people receive me or not “I MUST KEEP MOVING” with the truth.

            DJ all sisters /aka:Black-women are my sisters in the spirit inspite of our own personal issues. I have one sister in the natural realm, our relationship is literally like “CAIN & ABEL”, I don’t have the answer as to why, but I’m waiting on God to answer back. I’m not going to dive deep into your business in this post, but I will say this much your sister does love you though she is also very very jealous of you and your relationship between you and your spouse. *(DJ she’s lost right now)….
            Her complaining is her way of crying out, she has become a broken-women through her marriage, she is “STUCK” and “CO-DEPENDENT” to her husband.
            Many black-women remain in those type of marriages and relationships until “death do they part”, because they are afraid to be without a black-man and they spew their poison onto other black-women…
            Her behavior comes from the “SPIRIT OF RELIGION” filed under the demonic spirit of Belial, don’t know if I spell it correctly.

            Google (Mountain of Fire Ministries) and read some of the lit. Here is my email address: [email protected] *we can talk more if you like. I will only share with you what God reveal to me. You know I keep crying out to my people these words: For my people “PERISH” for lack of knowledge, because they refuse the knowledge that their God put before them. The knowledge that God is speaking about is “HIDDEN IN THE SPIRIT OF OUR GOD”, it is a “LAW” of God because our God is a spirit and He said: “Those who worship me (WILL) worship me in “(SPIRIT)” and in truth, it is our way of life, not the ways of man/men and the 4-wall religious church. This is the very reason why the black community and the black family is in a down-spiral. Our God is calling us out of “COMPROMISE” and into our true identity, and He’s not going to have it any other way. God is not going to break His “LAWS” for us, especially when we honor the white-mans laws 24-7, that’s some backwards BS.

          • @DJ…

            DJ, my spirit of discernment told me that you got married in the “SEASON” that God chose for you. You are blessed and I’m so happy for you.. Everything done in our God’s “TIMING & SEASONS” will (NEVER FAIL)…wink!! It is God who created us, and it is our God who knows what is best for us, not man.
            To all my beautiful black sisters out there : Just because a black-man / any-man want to put a ring on your finger and wife-you doesn’t mean that’s the man your God has chosen for you, visa versa to the black-men too. You need to start asking God for his permission and being anxious for nothing, learn how to wait on his answer instead of walking in the spirit of fear and waivering of our funky flesh… When we don’t wait on our God, we receive from the corruption of our flesh. Corruption breeds Corruption / you get what you get.

          • DJ,

            Reading your post is inspiring for me as a 35 year old that will receive a PhD next year…I enjoy my singleness and I am too busy to be looking. God bless you and your family!

          • You’re awesome and I’m speechless. Thanks for posting your response. Very well said and enlightening. Couldn’t agree with you more.

      • @REAL MAN…

        I just got finished re-reading your post again to make sure I didn’t miss a beat, so let me just set your donkey-a$$ straight because you seem to have lost your [email protected] mind. How did you come to the conclusion that Redbone sleep around with many different men just because I enjoy communicating with my black brothers. You sound like one of those clueless blind macho controlling brothers who don’t believe black-men & black-women can have wholesome friendship relationships without becoming intimate. You also sound like your still not delivered…wink! You still have “TRUST ISSUES”.
        Un-twist my business Real-Man, Redbone has been celibate for well over 10 years, DISEASE-FREE” with a “CLEAN TEMPLE”… Sounds like your in-need of some more counseling especially if you received all your guidance from the 4-wall church.
        If you have an issue with my post you do not walk in relationship with God, you walk in relationship with man… plezzzzz

        • I have been struggling with what to write back to you all day because more than not wishing to ostracize you into the company of women this article is truly about, I would like to extend to you an invitation to let all of the hurts, disappointments and pain that is most evident in your writing associated with your past relationships go. As I stated before, I was exactly where you are right now walking around with a lot of hurt and pain in my heart and not knowing how to relieve it but unlike you I did not tell others to join in, “Misery emphatically loves company.” Sister you have a troubled spirit that’s crying out for relief. I propose that if anyone looks out for themselves, work to improve themselves, endeavors to enhance themselves with little to no regard for others then their work is undoubtedly in vain and as my pastor said will end up a “Hot Mess,” remember Luke 12:16-21. Romans 5:3-4 states “but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope.” You see, we all must go through something to share in that hope that comes from perseverance, If by chance we cannot persevere in the covenant we made in our marriage, we can press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus, Phil. 3:14. Those who came before use were martyrize but the challenge for most of us today is adultery and infidelity; these are worse I believe than being a martyr because these acts of indiscretion hold the power to contaminate the very heart of both parties thus severing our relationship with God. You must learn how to forgive, not for the other party but for yourself. Your words cry out Galatians 5 the whole chapter but in particular 18-23: “18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” These precepts usher balance into your life hence peace in the times of perceived adversity, joy in the wake of apparent persecution thereby exhibiting the power and the characteristics of godliness without having to state your faith or denomination. Your previous writing reveals the train wreck that has you tossed like a cork in the tempest of adversity like the article stated. Take from my invitation that which suits you and the rest from higher influences and allow goodness to be embedded inside of you thus never again allowing you to present yourself in any other light than that of a godly woman. Selah

          • @RealMan…
            Whatever it is just give it to the Lord. If God be for me, He’s more then the whole world against. I’m in no pain pertaining to myself, but if I am in pain its because I want out of the United States because I’m tired of living in an innidated society so full of pain & evilness, especially dealing with the plight of my own people. Its not personal pain, its pain dealing with this kingdom in the natural realm.
            I will just have to ask God to show you who I really am so you can stop getting me twisted, and if I do have a problem its because I no-longer fit into this earthly realm.. But you cannot just “GIVE” me a problem just because you want to, or you just have this need to be right, and I don’t get intimidated by treats. There are many many things in this natural realm I am no-longer joined to, especially some desires of the flesh because I’ve been taught by God to walk in the spirit. I am not a religious women, and I don’t do doctrine of men.. and I will not be bitter just because you may feel that I am… matter of fact I rebuke it in the name of Yaveh, *No Weapon formed against me shall prosper, and every weapon fashioned and formed against me shall fall for thy sake…
            Amen brother / Go in peace I’ve said all I’m going to say to you, my spirit won’t even allow me to focus and read all of your post…

      • Real Man

        Please believe me when I say I am my Sistah’s keeper! Also, please believe me when I say I will go to war for my Sistahs! However, I’m going to have to agree with you Brutha! The Sistahs that are responding exude the energy of hurt and fear due to past experiences. I am a Sistah who has CONSTANTLY failed at relationships and who has never been married. My desire for marriage is definitely NOT based on what society says but I KNOW that the black man+black woman+black child=life. Now what I can say is that society has “conditioned” Bruthas and Sistahs to glorify “singlehood” thus ceasing procreation of the black family!

        Peace and Innerstanding Black Peeps

    • So glad there are sistahs who know what is going on in black male/female relationships. I’m tired of black men who are jealous because sistahs got the revelation from God that love is spiritual then physical. Why do black women have to be some “looney from Mars”, instead of a strong connected woman to her God who loves her unconditionally; and encourages her to be all that He created her to be. Black men need to get with the program, not theirs, but God’s!

      • @Elaine
        You make me smile my sister, cause God is good in my life, and I know by your words He’s also good in yours. God’s wisdom and knowledge don’t come free, it comes with a price of much suffering, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world, and its my blessing to be able to share with all whom are open to receive. I just want :PEACE UNCONDITIONAL-LOVE UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP CONNECTION HUMBLENESS HUMILITY PATIENCE AND POSITIVE COMMUNICATION between our black male / female counter-parts, because if we don’t come together in UNITY we shall continue to lose until we are no more.

        IN UNITY OUR GOD COMMANDS THE BLESSINGS

        God’s stuff is: LIGHT & LIFE

      • The heading: Dead Mans Bones was just to get your undivided attention.

        God lead me to a movie called:

        “MARY” / Maria Di Nazaret

        Director: Giacomo Campiotti
        Dramas Faith and Spirituality
        Alissa Jung, Paz Vega, Andreas Pietschmann

        Two very different women, both determined and courageous, find their lives intertwined due to their devotion to one man: “JESUS”

        Watch the movie with a spiritual eye & focus for revelation, and remember the true origin of these people back in those times were black /people of color. Pay close attention to the actions and character-traits of all females and the behaviors of the men. Then remember “EVE” was the first woman created by God to be “DECEIVED” by a fallen angel (SATAN) who was in the form of a man before God turned him into a SERPENT.
        Ask yourselves: Where was Adam at, that such a thing could happen to his woman.
        There is nothing different going on today that has not happened in that time, but know this all my strong black sisters: *We are here for a reason, “WE / BLACK-WOMEN” are not a mistake, but we are all “PURPOSE CREATED BY OUR GOD” for a set time and purpose of His “WILL” to come forth.
        The movie is on my “NETFLIX”… possibly in the library, or amazon. Take some time to watch the movie a couple times… Amen

    • You need help. You have passed on your vitriol onto your daughters no wonder they are still single. All your comments are filled with anger and contradiction . You need to refrain from using “God is speaking to me ” in your comments and your mouth . You sound like a religious sadist and fanatic. You don’t even know the true story of Jesus , let alone some dude who was turned into a snake both of which is fairy-tale just like the loveless man-life you have. A fairy-tale is a lie if you didnt know that. So the fairy-tale married or man you wish for is based on a lie of unrealistic expectation. I suggest you read Walter Williams books and get some perspective on life. The ministry you have is nothing but a front to pimp the unconscious out of their money because you couldn’t successfully start and run a company without feeding off the the fear of others who are so afraid of going to the proverbial hell , they are willig to part with their money in order to get a paid ticket into an imaginary heaven……smh

      • You don’t know God. I’m not into religion or people controlling my life. My daughters are in stable relationships, one is engaged to be married to a island man, and the other is content because she is not ready to commit to that type of responsibility. She is only 29 yrs old and you sound like a clueless controlling foolish black man with nothing better to do. Jealous

      • Your just one of the main reasons why I prayed to God for my daughters not to be married to African American men. My prayers have been answered. My youngest daughter has been with her man for a while, started out as best friends. He is Gianeas.. Now I don’t have to worry about them getting divorced raising babies out of wedlock, single parenting, down low activity Hiv hoe hopping unfaithful husband. Not all black men fit this profile but there are too many of you guys who randomly fit the profile I don’t want my seed caught up taking the chance.

      • And my daughters are eye candy too beautiful for crazy random bullshyt hustlers like you who don’t know how to honor strong black women. Now if you need me to whoop your spiritually blind donkey’s a$$ some more just call me Boo..lol

  3. OK. So i read with an open heart and an open mind. As a young woman with a fairly successful career, not a preparatory education but a public high school one, I made the decision to attend college at the age of twenty six doing very well with all classes. This decision was formulated after a broken engagement, to take my time and be single. Possibly to never get married, as a choice because my desires do not include a partner, not because of some bitter grapes syndrome, but after long hard look at my life and future plans and what it requires or what i would like to facilitate.
    I live in an “third world” paradise in the Caribbean. My friends that have had both failed and successful relationships, some are married and even a twenty two year old divorce to count amongst the ranks. i watch and enjoy both movies for what they are, not iconography but entertainment, and while i did enjoy Claire Huxtable growing up, a beautiful flawless image of wedded bliss and “how to” on child love and care, such standards are beyond myself and a large population of both ethnic and caucasian populous, Race may still be a huge problem in relation to social order in some part of the world even my home country which is dominantly ethnic, i find it repugnant that it is being utilized as a sound bite to relationship and marital dysfunctions. i find that this article while giving a nod to that, does not appreciate fully the different paths to that decision, as well as the fact that there are far more race issues in the movies to be dealt with. from the token ethnic to the prosecuted black athlete. while various studies may show some valid points in terms of choices. each researcher must appreciate that the sample group may not refer to the majority and as such blanket statements are not palatable and may do more harm than good in the race issues that person of African decent must address on a daily basis.

    • @Jessica

      You are a smart young lady. That broken engagement, observing your friends and other avenues have taught you much… Keep your focus and stay on tract. Your happiness in finding and exploring who you really are, and what really makes Jessica happy, keeps Jessica as number 1 priority in her life will take you a long way. Never allow anybody to accuse you of being selfish when it comes to your own personal life and all decisions made by you to keep you afloat while on your journey. Give Jessica a pat on the back…wink!!!

  4. To my Mother, Dorothy Marcheta McCoy aka The Real Housewife of ESL
    Let’s see…the definition of housewife according to Webster’s is a married woman in charge of her household. I know quite a few of these women. It all started with my own mom. She never had paid help and manages just fine. She wasn’t seeking child support, being seen, or having being in the neighbors business. She just wanted her kids educated, her husband happy and her own life fulfilled privately. Growing up my mom was a working housewife. We didn’t have a nanny or a cook. I didn’t know anyone that had a nanny. Where I grew up that just wasn’t the norm. She worked in the post office, rose to the ranks of ordained and highly recognized church minister, and has been married to my father for nearly 50 years.
    These television assortments of women collectively have what seems like 100 nannies, cooks, trainers, and personal assistants. And hmmm, many are divorced, getting a divorce, hasn’t been married at all or unhappily married. So already there is a discrepancy in the definition. But mostly there is rarely a mention about the good positive men and the beauty of marriage. I was blessed to see love between two committed to making their friendship be more than just a contract. These women should not serve as examples or role models for “real” housewives who actually do spend time mopping oatmeal from their babies mouths while donning their favorite pair of ratty sweats.
    Though my mom and dad had ups and downs, they made it work. She also helps when mom and I agree and disagree; she knows she’s raised a strong African-American man who seeks to remain good. To this day, I’ve never drank alcohol or smoked anything because of her. I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes but because of her I seek the Holy Ghost for wisdom and protection. And I like having a good name. Mostly, she knows that when I call I’m seeking prayer, for times good and not so good. Today I want what her and my dad has and seek that in a woman. Yet it’s hard to find one like Mommy. Especially when too many are tuned in to what is never real.

    • Hi LCM, I liked your post. Television gives many a false sense of what , “normal,” life is. Many black families are living their lives and caring for each other with compassion and love. We often focus on the negative relationships that we see. The loving relationships pass under the radar. There are many men of all colors who would not make suitable fathers and husbands. However, we must also admit that there are countless men who would make and are making caring nurturing husbands and fathers. Sometimes, a diamond in the ruff just needs to be shined a little. Integrity should never be passed over for flashy clothes and smooth talk. I know of a few men who work hard and sacrifice for their families. Yes, I also know of a few scoundrels out there. Black women should not give up on love. They should however, procede with caution. They should be on the lookout for controlling abusive men. They may find love in the most surprising of places. Final note. 50% of all marriages may end in divorce but 50% of them make it.

  5. I love reading your articles. They Hit right at Home!
    After my first marriage didn’t work. I prayed and asked God to send me a nice, kind woman. I stopped asking women for their phone numbers, I felt if I met a woman and she wanted me to have her number, she would offer it. She arrived when I needed her the most. We disagree about different things, but, we don’t fight

  6. I am a 38 single black female and I thought I was happy being single but after doing some serious soul searching I realized I was not happy being single at all. However, after being honest with myself and doing the work it takes to get what I want, I still find myself single. Sometimes, I think that maybe there are just not enough men who are willing to do the work it takes to become a good husband.

    • @Claudette…

      You remind me of my daughters so much. So many of our young black-women think they are missing out on so much because their not married… I will never say marriage is a bad thing, but its work, and it will be a living hell that ages and draws all your strength if you marry a partner God didn’t choose for you. Ask God for a husband, tell him what you want, leave it in his hands, stay celibate and go finish doing Claudette, there’s a big ole world out there, you never know you just might “RUN INTO HIM” while your out there enjoying your destiny chosen for you by God… My youngest daughter had an experience thank God, she did a 90 degree turn, she realized its not what she wants right now. She wants to spend more time with herself and her relationship with God, and getting her business started. Remember this: YOU CAN’T SEE EVERYTHING FROM THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN, unless God reveals it to you.. Run with patience my sister…. Peace

    • @Claudette…

      You’ve been in my spirit all day… If your spending a lot of time with friends who are married “STOP”…! Its not a healthy situation for you at this time. It will cause you to waiver back and forth in your emotions. Practise on doing (ALL) the things that work for you and make you happy… Peace & Love My Sister

  7. When it comes to marriage, I believe that women need to be totally honest about what they really want, and that sometimes might take some deep soul searching.

    I have been happily married for almost 11 years at the age of 34. Since before I can remember I always wanted to be married with the house, kids, station wagon (suv’s now) and picket fence. Before i had gotten married I must admit, I’d kissed plenty of frogs (each teaching me what I didn’t want and wouldn’t tolerate in a mate). Just as I was about to throw in the towel, A co-worker said to me “Tiffany I have been watching you for years, run from one relationship to the next. What is it that you’re really looking for? What would make you happy?” That was deep. So about 10 minutes later I had written it down… Here it goes

    MY MAN
    When he steps into the room and I look into his eyes,
    my stomach starts to turn because he gives me the butterflies
    Strong and secure, confident not conceited
    Goes that extra mile even when it’s not needed
    Has to have a life and recognize when we need space
    Admitting when he’s wrong because I cannot be replaced
    Last but no least God will be in his life
    And when he does finds me, I’ll be prepared to be his wife.

    The poem was published in my job’s paper and about a few years later he showed up.

    I love my husband. Marriage is a sacrifice and it’s not always 50/50 but it is always 100%. A woman must be comfortable in who she is, knows how to keep it moving (can entertain herself), take care of home as well as herself, don’t nag or sweat the small stuff. And the most important rule….don’t leave unless it’s over (learned from past relationships).

    I’m not sure about other marriages, but this works for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

  8. Great post! Here’s the thing “To me, marriage is a potentially beautiful thing and I believe that it is the backbone of society.” not everyone sees it that way. I think you make some great points and am curious to know what your culture teaches regarding preparation for marriage. Leaving your article the question I will be asking is what needs to be done to prepare singles for marriage.

    • @Afi P.

      Marriage being the back-bone of society is the main reason why many black-relationships are all screwed up and many African American women are single without husbands, *”UNBALANCED PRIORITIES”.
      Marriage is not #1 even though that’s how we were raised… and I’m not stating marriage is a bad choice, but it is not the back-bone, it use to be back in the day.
      America is no-longer built upon family values anymore especially in our black community, so lets just be real about it and stop playing with ourselves, *(its nothing wrong with wishful thinking), but reality is reality…

      • Hi Redbone,

        As a man I do somewhat feel your pain. We as black men have not taken our rightful place and treated black women as queens. We have intentionally lied, dogged and mistreat you as black women. I say we, b/c all black men should hold each other accountable for each other’s actions.

        Families were and are still the backbone of the black community. I believe the fault lies with black men & women. Many black men need to clean up their acts, but also black women must to start by picking better men to be with. Many, but not all black women for some reason seem to be attracted to this thug life black man. You can’t be mad at youngsters wearing their pants below their butts b/c the young black girls like that! Trust me if black women would reject the thug life lifestyle many black men would clean up their lives.

        To make a long story short you (Redbone) do deserve a good black man that will treat you right. Just remember though it’s a two way street. You must give respect and admiration to the right black man and love him in-spite of his flaws. Peace & Love to you Redbone

        • @Al…

          Ahhhhh…. AL your such a gentleman, sincerely from the heart. Truthfully I have no pain, I’m a redbone women that is truly excited about life.
          My #1 is my personal relationship with God, and how he has blessed me with eyes to see and ears to hear, and endless entry into his mysteries… AL I do, very very well understand its a 2-way street, God show’s me all things due to my desires. I don’t hate my black brothers. My mentor and best-friend is a Black-man, and he’s well to be respected, no he’s not my pastor, he’s the “BLACK-MAN” God sent to teach me somethings so that my eyes may be open to all truth.
          AL I do understand the “Thug-Life” and our young black-women.. I have a son behind bars and I’ve communicated with many brothers behind bars, my heart goes out to many of them, most of them don’t belong behind bars, even though we have horrid issues within our black communities amongst black-men and black-women, but ignorance Redbone will not tolerate at all from man or women, I’ve paid the price, and I’m still paying because I’m always in God’s face for more. Thank you again AL…

  9. Although you have some valid points, let’s face it, the media does not promote African American healthy families. That would negate the stereotype that has led many to believe that sad fact.

    With several African American men unemployed, in prison, turning extremely homosexual, on drugs…the pickins are thin. And then many of us, know, that the trophy wife has been infused in our men’s minds. That trophy wife was not depicted as a strong black educated woman with features of African Queens, but that of Euro model types with an ounce or two of intelligence and a dowry from daddy (well some of them).

    We created the REAL LADIES OF HARLEM. We need your support. Unless we command real stories to be seen on television and in the movies, or diverse stories, we will continue to receive what is sent to the studio.

    Let us be clear; we are all in places in our lives where we want the best quality consumables. Not all of us can afford that so many live vicariously through these made for tv characters.

    I found women, in Harlem, that are gorgeous, smart, sexy, educated, Brown skin and fair skin and pales skin but still African. They are married, they are happy and they are winning. Help me bring them to the airwaves ***

  10. This was a great post! I am single, but I chose to be single because I had to heal and get myself together. I was no good for anyone. But, now, it has been so long since I have been with anyone that I am not sure if I wish to deal with all of the drama that I see. I have been approached by players, married men, and crazy men who still have a looooot of healing to do; and not to mention men who are way too young for me (not interested in training anyone). I believe that there are some good black men out here, but I have not met up with one yet. It really irks me to see that our leading black females are messing with married men. Have a good career and they have to be depicted as home wreckers. *sigh* I would love to watch the shows, but I cannot stand to see us making a mess of everything because we are fooling around with married men. Why can’t we be depicted with single, unattached men? Oh, that probably would not be good for ratings… smh My bad…

    • @NancyJ…

      You go my sister, people who are walking in deliverance are not afraid to bring the truth no matter what, and that’s called freedom / real freedom (To Thine Own-self Be True). Wearing your own shoes make you free, denial = loss & stuck, and baby we are not stuck. But many will call us bitter at the drop of a hat…wink!! Be strong my sister and keep moving.

      • Girl,

        Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement. I have to do me. Ain’t nobody got time for that foolishness… lol

  11. As a single back female, I just want to say THANK YOU for speaking the truth. Enough hiding behind the pain. It’s time to be real and get serious about checking ourselves and delving into the reasons we have these attitudes, and let the healing process begin so that we can identify and create healthy relationships. Well-spoken!

  12. Who here knows what MA’AT is? I always say that when it is restored that WE gonna be alrite! If ya don’t know what it is, it is the NATURAL ORDER! WE are all victims of the GREATEST CRIME of HUMANITY EVER yet blame ourselves 4 our problems w/o pointing in the right direction! To any who doubt, pls go back in OURSTORY & show me a time where the BM & BM as a WHOLE didn’t get along.

  13. I was married 28 years to a wonderful, caring, loving woman. Now I have been single for seven years; the result of her unexpected death. She had shot commings as did I. Throughout the years, we supported each other. Communicated to resolve differences, while also maintaining our individuality. What I learned over the years, you must want to care about the feelings of your partner. You must also realize that marriage is not a game, or a fictionalized fairy tale; marriage is real, demands commitment and work. Two people are building a life together, that takes work and dedication. There will be times when the road is rough; however, you can get through the patches. Everyday, you will learn something new about your spouse, as you also teach them more about you. At this juncture in my life, I can understand someone choosing to remain single, as some also choose to embrace a relationship. Whatever an individual choose, it must provide fulfillment.

    Although I am currently single, if I met the right woman, I would not hesitate to treat her like she deserves (respected, loved, cared for, acknowledged). Above all, recognized for the unique individual that she is. I think Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses’ article speaks to that issue. Being able to have a relationship, while respecting the uniqueness of your spouse. I can truly say…I am grateful for experiencing the long-lasting relationship that I did. For I learned that having a relationship is not as important as knowing how to be in a relationship.

    May everyone find what they are looking for.

    • @Ritchie M.

      I love your post, so honest, so humble and true, you are one blessed man. I got married at 18 yrs old had 4 children, stayed in the marriage for 16 yrs too long because that’s what I was raised to do by watching my parents and being raised in COGIC religion. I walked into my business and caught my X-husband in bed with a mexican woman…LMBO! yes its funny to me now, but it was kinda funny when it happened because it was my way-out of a “HORRID MOVIE”, I thought I was stuck for the rest of my life LMBO! God rescued me..LMBAO!! if you only knew. I can’t stop laughing because God is good to me. Long story short 3 yrs later I met a very very handsome black-man (my boss), 12 yrs my age, fell in love for the first time in my life, it was mutual, lasted 7 yrs, I was so fulfilled in that relationship, we are still friends to this very day, but from a distance, I have no regrets because when I think about him it puts a smile on my face, but I haven’t been in a relationship since, but I have male friends who are black-men. I’m content in my life, if its God’s will for Redbone to get married again it will come to pass, but I will not force it, neither will I look for a man. The word of God says: A man who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, so he shall have favor with GOD…
      Ritchie love will come your way again because you honored the first one. With God, all things come with maturity…wink!!!

      Just because people get married doesn’t mean they are with the partner that God has chosen for them… the rest you can read between the lines.

      • Redbone, thank you for your honest response. I appreciate when an individual attempts to lift up another; for we all should show caring for each other. Leave all the erroneous assumptions behind and enjoy the blessings given you. I do not know you as a person Redbone. If I were to meet a woman with the sense of centeredness and self-actualization you display, I would gladly welcome her into my heart, my life. Rare is it that you find someone who has braved the fires, yet remain unscorched. I can only commend you for allowing us to look into the window of your experience, sharing pain, sharing triumphs. The beauty of your soul shines radiantly as the luminosity of the heavens. You are a beautiful woman; a wondrous gift of God, any man would be blessed to have sharing in his life. I feel honored that I was able to touch just a small portion of your experiences.

        Redbone, take care and thank you for touching my life.

  14. Marriage is not for everyone nor the games that are played in the dating scene either. It comes to a point in your life that you get tired of the foolishness. Also, the HIV rates are rapidly increasing amongst Black women so why put yourself out there for some loser. If ye so desire, learn to be content with yourself.

    • @FWalker…

      Amen!!! Single is safe these days for many reasons, and Redbone don’t have to break it down because F. Walker just said a whole mouth-full…wink!

  15. There is NOTHING WRONG. with US other than RACIST WHITE SUPREMACY as it took us out of who WE NATURALLY are. Not owning up 2 that makes us BLAME each other as all we are talking about are SYMPTOMS instead of trying 2 take it back 2 MA’AT. This post will continue racking up #’s instead of hardly ANY of Y’ALL taking a look at what I’m saying. Carry on REACTIONARIES!

    • Hi Blak, what you are saying may be true but we must figure out what we must do in order to have stronger more substantive relationships with those whom we love.

  16. If you look at the low marriage rates and high divorce rates amongst blacks, I don’t think it’s wrong to say that in general, blacks lack whatever it takes to make good marriages and thus strong functional family units. Marriage is above our “pay-grade”. We can make babies, but not families. Also, marriage is a very toxic intstitution for black men. Black men who get married are losers. They lose their houses, children, money, and piece of mind. Marriage is for White People and other types of people with “whatever it takes” to have successful marriages. Unless your like the fictional Huxtables or real Obamas, don’t get married.

    • @David…

      LMBO… I heard that brother, speak your mind, get it all out there plain and simple. I really do understand, but its a 2-way street, marriage is toxic for the black-woman too, especially when it come to our black-men, but not all black-men visa versa…wink!!
      See brother your words have power, power is in the tongue, sets off the course of nature, so speak for yourself. Just because you haven’t been blessed to have eyes to see some african americans in positive marital relationships doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It may not be many, but they do exist. Calling brothers losers because their married to black-women says you got some serious issues going on in your head, I can just imagine some woman has stepped hard on top of your head, who ever she is, she is not all black-women, and I have 3 brothers and 2 sons…okay!!

      • Most black marriages end in divorce. Most black men get “the short end of the stick” in divorce court or any other court of law in this country (both historically and presently). Thus, most black men who get married, end-up being losers. It’s not my opinion Redbone, it’s just fact. I mean it is what it is. I did mention the Obamas, so I’m not suggesting that good black marriages don’t exist, but they are the minority of black marriages. You can imagine some woman has stepped hard on top of my head all you like. In actuality, I’ve never been married and don’t have any children. I’m basing what I’ve wrote off of the black men I’ve met who have been involved in intimate relationships with black women. I don’t have any baby mama drama in my life. I don’t have any child-support issues, nothing. I would advise you to advise your brothers and sons that the #1 broke black woman’s hustle is to have bastard children for child support.

        • @David….

          That might be true about some black-women, but not all black-women, because that “scene/flag” is not flyin under my bloodline/ aka:generation, my brothers are married with children, love their wives like my daddy loved and took-care of my mother, and she made more money then him..wink!! I have 2 beautiful fine-a$$ daughters, will make yo eye-balls fall out your head, never been married, have no babies, 29 and 34 yrs old, strong black-women just like their mother.
          I told the judge I didn’t want ALIMONY and I raised my children without child-support, excuse me!!! Freedom was more important to me, and all money ain’t good money… Redbone don’t need a [email protected] dope-head alcoholic jigga hanging over head.
          David everybody has a story to tell. The first women deceived by man was Eve, satan was a man before he became a snake. Black-women have been abused by men of color since before Mary the mother of Jesus was born.. do your research…wink!!!

        • I agree with Redbone. Not all Black women are like that. I did not receive any child support from my child’s father and did not want it. I told him that I would not stand in his way of being in her life. If I have to make a man take care of his child, it is not worth it & I should have done my homework. I should not have had unprotected sex with him. But, my daughter is growing into a beautiful, smart, wise and strong woman. She will be 22 years old, college graduate with no children and no drama. Has a very good head on her shoulders and desires to be the best that she can be. I am very proud of her. And there are countless others who have done the same as me and Redbone. Countless other women.

  17. Personally, I am sick of hearing people tell single women “they don’t mean it” when they say they do NOT want to be married.

    It’s the kind of thing that ultimately gets everyone in trouble.

    When you want to be by yourself and somebody is constantly throwing “You MUST have husband, you MUST have children” in your face when you really don’t want it, especially when you are young…after awhile, they actually convince you that you won’t be happy until someone else has ruined your life and you’ve sufficiently ruined theirs.

    It’s almost like desperate people who want these types of relationships think EVERYBODY is as desperate as them, or “something is wrong with them.”

    If it’s a woman, she MUST be a Le$b*an. If it’s a man, he MUST be gay.

    NOT.

    Some folks actually LIKE being single. It’s a comfort zone for them, and they simply aren’t scratching around trying to obey someone else’s commands about who they are and what makes THEM happy.

    All this, “surely you can’t be happy like that,” has ruined one life too many; and it’s time for it to end. Seems to me people who see happy single folks can’t stand to see other people happier than they are, so they have to find a way to bring them down by telling them how UNHAPPY they must be as single people.

    How about some folks like their peace and quiet, and that aloneless, and when they want to be with people, they know exactly where to go and what they want to do and nobody’s standing over them watching a clock or telling them where they can’t go or what they can’t do and who they can’t hang out with.

    It’s easier to get involved at YOUR convenience and be able to walk than it is to make a commitment to some ‘permanent fixture’ who is ultimately going to do nothing but get on your nerves and get in your way, and hold you up from actually being able to LIVE YOUR LIFE out of some twisted notion that you’re “supposed” to be together.

    Says who?

    If that is selfish, then selfishness is the ‘new generosity’.

  18. Why do we as black people try to lump all black men or all black women into that negativity bucket when something goes wrong in a relationship? Having worked in Corrections all of my adult life I encountered criminals from all races.

    But one thing for sure you never hear people from other races down their own because someone from their race was a child molester, serial killer, swindler, etc, etc,.

    Secondly,some women always crying about they are waiting on God to have some man to walk into their lives and everything is gonna be alright, please, God helps those who help themselves.

    The fact is most women don’t have the guts or game to approach men and have a intelligent conversation to see what a man is about. One thing for sure women can’t accept rejection!!!

    • @Maliki

      Your full of it…
      Your self-centered…
      Your self-absorbed…
      Your just Macho in the worst kind of way…

      I really wanna call you worst “Nervy-A$$”, maybe the “FILTHY-SEED-OF-REJECTION” actually comes from the ignorant-ravings of a JACKO like you. How about that huh!!! Oh and let me not forget, your evil manipulative-a$$ also work in corrections, and you speak against a black-women loving her God, that in itself sums your weak-link-a$$ up to bare-minimum character, you sound real jealous black-man.

  19. YoungDiva23 on

    Wow is my first commment. I’ve read many of your post and I will first say thanks DJ. Your share just really confirmed to me that I’m not going nuts. I’m 28 w/ my masters, I own my home, and car, and I’m making strides in my career right now. My friends all have “boos” and talk about weddings and marriage. Even the women who I serve w/ in church seem to have marriage and men on the brain constantly. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the company of a mature man, but what I try to express to them is, “Just because you get married doesn’t mean you’re a WIFE.” and when I get married I want to be a WIFE that comes with responsibility…a responsibility I really don’t want right now because I’ve just started REALLY getting to know me…I’m not a broke college student anymore so I can take myself on trips ato see what I enjoy…I can read for pleasure again to learn more about different cultures and use my time serving God. IDK I come from a family of strong women….married and single…I’ve seem them be WIVES and hold down the house..not being belittled or anything just handling business…and I’ve seen my single aunts travel the world…At the end of the day you have to know you….you have to allow the voids of your pst be filled before you can bring someone else along for your ride of life…because all marriage is deciding that you love/like/enjoy/respect/honor someone enough to hop on their life train and ride it out with them….wherever it may lead.

  20. I know this is an old article, but you write very very well and I always enjoy your pieces…wink!

    ” A women’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek him just to find her.”

    R. Mystery

      • Wink!!!! Bless you!

        A blackman wrote that quote… His name is Robert Thomas “MYSTERY”… He’s off the chain, strong positive blackman / scientist & astrologer MD etc… [email protected]

        He has several websites: Lunarinsight.com and he has a celebrity Prophecy website. Just email him and he’ll help you with any info you need, just tell him Redbone referred you.

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