What do You Do When You Experience Cheating? The Trina Braxton Case

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Your grandparents stayed married longer than you probably will.  They seemed perfect on the outside, but few couples today are able to catch that same sort of magic.  Is it because men back then didn’t cheat on their wives?  Hardly.  They probably did so more than they do today.

Is it because their wives were simple-minded doormats who had no standards?  Women today certainly have gotten better at demanding what they want without compromising.   But your grand parents were each more appealing mates than most of what you see today.  Men took care of their families, and women allowed men to be empowered.  Now, women want to wear the pants and  men are dropping the ball more often than in the past.

What’s a woman to do?

If we focus solely on the concept of infidelity, it becomes tricky.  Men have always, for thousands of years, liked to be with a variety of women.  Biologists regularly cite the male’s desire for multiple mating options as part of his DNA makeup.  In fact, the thing that you love about him the most, his drive, ambition and strength are all linked to testosterone, which makes him into a sexual beast.

This creates a dilemma because he may not have a hunger that is satisfied by one woman, sometimes leading him to stray.

But he chose to marry you for a reason.  He chose you because there is more to the connection than just physical gratification. He wants to come home to you and holds you above all others, respecting you as a human being and not just the one of the pieces of meat he might see when he’s out going astray.  Is that enough to make you reconsider your interpretation of infidelity to mean that he doesn’t love or respect you?  Maybe not.

But here’s a secret:  A lot of men do it.  They all lie about it, the same way women lie about their number of s*xual encounters.   So, the new guy will convince you that he’s not a cheater like the last guy you dumped, then you find out that they are all the same.  How do you process that?

The way you respond is in the eye of the beholder.   But cases like the ones experienced by Tina Campbell at Mary Mary or Trina Braxton are quite common.  It’s easy to say that if you expect your man to never stray, then it might be best to never get married in the first place.  A lot of marriages start off with high hopes and seemingly broad foundations for love, only to end because someone committed a relatively meaningless act that could very likely also be committed (or hidden) by any guy you choose to replace him.  It’s a strange dilemma where some of us end up looking around the world to find something that almost never exists, like that man who is looking for a woman who is a 100% pure Christian in both thoughts and deeds.  Yea, right.    The best he might get is a woman who is good at lying to him about it.

Another perspective might be the one held by Jada Pinkett-Smith, who knows that her husband strays at times, but has professed that she will never leave his side for any reason.  That means that she is the queen of her castle no matter, what and  she will always be the woman on his arm at red carpet events.  The same was stated by the wife of Reverend Jesse Jackson, who said, after finding out about his illegitimate child, that “The will only be one Mrs. Jackson.”

This is what your grandmother probably decided to do:  She endured the infidelity but chose to keep her family together no matter what.  We can’t say if the sacrifice is worth it, but if you’re going to get married, you should probably toss the fairy tale out of your head right now.   Or, you’ll end up shocked and in divorce court swearing that your relationship was supposed the one out of many that will never have any form of physical infidelity.   Marriage is harder than you think.

 

 

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37 Comments

  1. Veronica Warren Bradford on

    As long as the man can stick around knowing that she is just as unfaithful as he is.

  2. What a horrible article. I myself am married, and know several other young married couples. Infidelity is not something I concern myself with because I didn't just jump into marriage head first. I entered into it with no doubt in my mind that I could trust my husband and that we were getting married for the right reasons. Marriage is work. It takes humility, dedication and prayer but the positives outweigh the negatives. This article is short sighted and generalizes marriage as if its a burden rathertan a blessing.

  3. Nzinga Uhuru on

    This article is completely one sided because not all men cheat and there are women who cheat in relationships. It is very difficult to say that men are biologically designed to be with multiple partners when there are women who desire the same.

  4. Nzinga Uhuru on

    Just like there are men who desire monogamy, there are women who desire monogamy. Just like there are men who desire polygamy, there are women who desire polygamy. The ideal thing to do is to decide what you want and to be honest with your chosen partner to give them a fair opportunity to decide if you both want the same thing.

  5. What you've written is the best way to approach situations like these. Be upfront & honest about the kind of life you desire to live and allow people make informed decisions.
    This has implications beyond monogamy/polygyny. Spiritual systems, family structure, kwk….all of these matters come into play here.
    Thank you for saying this.

  6. Anything one can do two can do better. That said, marriage is based on trust and respect, without those, you won’t even have a friendship

  7. Sandra Lewis on

    WOW! This is an amazing topic. What we have here is everyone having a perspective on unfaithfulness in a relationship. It can be overwhelming when faced with a mate having gone astray in a relations or a marriage. It is not easy on the mind but there is the heart of the matter. There are kids that have to be considered. But the question that comes to mind is; there a human being that has not sinned in thought or in action? More importantly why get married if you are not able or capable of dealing with difficult times like infidelity. First of all the two people are not the only two in this world and I believe we will have to deal with a mate going astray until JESUS comes. “Lets’ Stay Together” we are on lookers and need to keep negative comments out of couples marriages and wish them well in their marriages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. What a crock of crap. That article is so ridiculous and one sided it make no sense. Women desire some of the same things men do. The examples cited are couples who have decided that kind of relationship is what they choose. That is not the norm and nobody has to go through life feeling that every man or woman will sleep with someone other than their mate, that is not true. If you sign up for it in the beginning that is a different story.

  9. The writer of this OpEd has a very unhealthy way of looking at relationships. It’s almost Tyler Perry-esque. They need to see a therapist because they were hurt. Very problematic and I hope to god that they don’t give relationship advice to couples for a living because that is dangerous. Marriages don’t workout for a variety of reasons that are beyond sex and unfaithfulness. I believe half of the divorce has to do with mental health. The other half has to do with a plethora of other stuff.

  10. In any relationship there must be trust or you donot have a good realtionship.People tell lies because they are affraid of the recompences. Tell the truth, if you tell the truth you donot have to have any brains.If you are a cheater tell the truth., if you are not tell the truth. If you tell the truth you donot have to worry. Tell the truth and stand up to your word.You have to let a liar go because you cannot find a lock to hold him or her.A thief you may be able to lock up but not a liar.

  11. Oh Really??? on

    another article making excuses for a man who cheats. he cheats because he WANTS TO and he feels he either won’t get caught or he will be forgiven. PLEASE! there is no scientific reason for a man to do wrong except for absolute selfishness.
    And the same goes for a woman. If you are not happy with the relationship, LEAVE. Just be honest. You hurt people; you put people (sometimes) in danger, because you meet up with crazy stalkers and they harm the people you SAY you care about. It’s NEVER a good ending to cheating.

  12. ginger harrison on

    i can agree with porsha johnson marry is hard work and a lot of trust but if you put GOD first the rest will will com.

    • There are so many woman I hear everyday that say put God first. That is only part of building a solid relationship. Too many people get into a relationship and stop treating their mate like they did while dating. They normally get fat and lazy. The sex stop and they become roommates. You have to continue to maintain the passion. Why be with someone that you don’t want to touch you?

  13. The topic on marriage in this article is not really the truth. What the bible said is that it is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a help meet. When Adam saw Eve, he exclaimed this is the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh. This shows that marriage is God’s plan. But the writer wrote as if marriage is a burden. It is not, it is only when you enter it without the founder of marriage, that is Jesus, then it will be a burden. But with the founder, marriage is very sweet. It is when you have Jesus, that you do not fear about trust, because both of you know that the eyes of God are every where watching. I pray you understand that it is only Jesus who can help you to live a happy married life.

  14. The woman that goes into any relationship with the ideal that “MY MAN WON’T CHEAT ON ME.” Is a fool…
    But I will say this. If more men knew that the pendulum swings both way, they may be more cautious about cheating. If you tell them that if you don’t want cheated on don’t do it. Men think of us as possessions and that no one should touch us because we belong to them but on the other hand, they don’t have to follow the same mentality, so they feel it’s ok to cheat because it doesn’t mean anything. We need to level the playing field and maybe they wouldn’t be so willing to cheat if they knew we would or could do the same thing.

  15. Chiquita M. Robinson on

    I dont think you can compare Trina Braxton and Tina Campbell. Trina was having oral transactions and said lychee nuts hsd the consistency of a scrotum sack. She's nasty! The article depicts a sad states of affairs, no pun intended, when there should be no expectation of fidelity from a man. I don't buy it.

  16. Sherell Edwards on

    Interesting article…I agree, Chiquita that Trina is nasty and cheats herself and had a higher expectation of her husband than she does of herself….but some are wired for monogamy and some believe it's impossible. The more reason to get to know and understand WHO you are uniting with. This article did give a one-sided view because there are couples out here that truly love one another and don't see marriage as a burden and infidelity as a necessary evil they must bear….

  17. Any woman who decides to stay with a partner is a door mat..it is like saying I am worth this…I deserve this…it swings the door wide open for him to disrespect you..get away with it and do it again to you over and over again.Until women stand up for themselves and say I AM WORTH FAR MORE THAN THIS then a man is only going to do what you allow him to do.

  18. This article portraits men as if they are all infidel by nature. Here is some news for you: Not all men are infidel, not even half of them! I have never cheated on my wife once all these years, and I will never will! None of my friends does any thing like that (and we are all black men).

  19. Sounds like you guys need to hear & read the truth. Listen to RelationshipCPR every Mon & Wed from 12n-2p on NDORADIO.com, matter of fact, i’m doing g a show today on cheating b/c of this article & many more written like this. This is what I call Fairy Tale Wishing! Ppl don’t really want the truth b/c then You have to deal with yourself 1st instead of blaming the other person for infidelity which is a SMALL part of any Relationship but so much power is given to it.

  20. You want real Relationship advice then Tune in to RelationshipCPR w/ Leo Garrett on M & W from 12n-2p on NDOradio.com The Truth in real World Relationship issues. 25 yrs of marriage since the age of 18

  21. This article is some BS. Men are the way they are because they have been taught that it’s appropriate to sow their oats while woman are suppose to be Loyal. Genetics is used as an excuse which give men and escape for a lack of self control. Plain and simple. People that are loyal Men and woman are because they apply some type of standards to their lives. If Testosterone is what make men cheat what is the excuse for the woman they cheat with (unless they are cheating with other men). This is what makes the whole genetics idea BS. Learn to control yourself or don’t get married plan and simple.

  22. Woman get very complacent when they get married. Plan and simple. They expect their partner to accept them no matter how they change or look. What I hear from married men is their wives are no longer loving, and refuse any type of sexual advances. That is not fulfilling all the marriage vows and completely selfish. Few people look at woman a woman does to encourage cheating. I know this will be painful for some but what do you expect a man to do if the wife does not want to perform all her duties to any level?

  23. Antoinette Johnson on

    Some women marry men, after they have been cheated on, to those women,I say WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? And I'm the product off divorce so I KNOW it is bs to stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids are not dumb, they know when something is not right in the household. So you're not fooling anyone but yourselves!

  24. Adrienna Turner on

    Typo: "There will…" not "The will"; however, I think why our grandparents marriages lasted so long that women tolerated much more than meets the eye. They also concealed their cheating husbands if it did happen; today, women are more independent and don't have to have a man to survive like they did in those days as homemakers and raising children.

  25. William H Leonard on

    Marriage takes a lots of work. We all think we married for the right reason and the right person but sometime one or the other tend to drive one away with insecurity and never accept how men/women think or do things. This article have a few flaws but it telling through the eyes of the writer.

  26. Marriage is much harder than you think and it starts before you say "I do". It's hard to select the right mate when all you are thinking about is being married. When you get impatient and grab onto the "almost right one" all the issues you have before marriage will only magnify after marriage. Like Judge Maybeline said…Look long before you leap. A $35.00 marriage license could cost you so much more in the long run if he's out to get your assets or inheritance. It's not worth it.

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