What If “Mr Right” Is Not $exy? Would You Still Date Him?

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downloadBy: Krystle Crossman

Here is your dilemma: You are dating a man who treats you better than any other man ever has. He is kind, he is loving, he takes care of you and treats you like a queen. So what is the problem? You just aren’t feeling it. He may not have quite the personality that you are looking for or you are not physically attracted to him. So what do you do? Do you stay in a relationship with him because he treats you with respect or do you break things off and hope that you can find another guy who will treat you just as well that you are attracted to?

Writer Cecily Michelle of Madam Noire has found herself in this situation a few times and has gone back and forth on what to do. Is it better to stay with someone that will meet all of your needs with one small exception or is it better to find someone that you are attracted to more than anything? Everyone has a type and sometimes you come across that one person who isn’t necessarily your type, but you know that they are willing to treat you well and make you happy.

Michelle asks her readers what they think about the situation and what they would do if they have found a man like this? Many of her readers left comments that if there is no physical attraction, the relationship cannot be a full and happy one. There needs to be that little spark. Others put in their two cents about times when they have been reluctant to date someone because they were not attracted to them at first but then ended up becoming attracted to them over time. Some even married those that there was no initial spark with.

How do you feel about the situation? Would you continue to date someone that you don’t have an immediate spark with to see if there is anything there or would you go searching for something else?

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22 Comments

  1. I would not want a woman to marry me if she is not really attracted to me. Marriage is too difficult at times to not be married to someone who finds you attractive. I am blessed to be in a wonderful marriage. We would not have made it if my wife had just “settled,” for me. Happy New user everyone.

    • Cambie

      Great post, very very mature and right on spot… cause its truly about maturity and totally about the beauty that comes from with-in.
      Beauty (IS) in the heart & eyes of the beholder…
      When I was 18 young dum&stupid I hooked-up and married (BEAUTY & THE BEAST)… he almost destroyed my whole life and my children too.
      So many couples miss out on all the great things that life and beautiful relationships have to offer because their married to the Media and Controlled by the opinions of their so-called friends.
      *Missed Blessings*

      • I agree with you. I’m in a current situation as I type where I’m dating a man who is smart, driven, kind, affectionate, etc…All the points with one exception. He is not pleasing to the eye (to put it mildly). My friends all laugh at me because they call us the beauty and the beast. But I am SO into this man. I tell them all…Your laughter won’t stop me from receiving all this loving THAT’S for sure!

        • LoveEmAnyways…

          Let me keep it real with you my sister. Thank God I made that mistake at a very very young age, 16yrs of a hard laboring horrified marriage taught me well, my X-husband was really really really a beautiful black-man, sexy, beautiful smile, pretty teeth, good-hair / long hair, knew how to dress, attract women from a far off… but baby let me tell you!! (THAT’S ALL HE WAS & THAT’S WHERE IT ENDED)…WINK!
          He had the potential to be more but he refuse to grow-up, and he had a very very ignorant character and mentality.
          *Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not browe beating him down at all, I’m just simply speaking the truth, it is what it is plain and simple and today he’s worst.

          So don’t you dare allow yourself to get caught-up into what your (So-CALLED-FRIENDS) immature remarks about your man.
          While your friends men are peeping tippin and stepping out on them…wink! your man will be honoring you, taking grand-care of you, never step-outside the relationship or the marriage.
          *Sometimes God will send a women a (TEST)…wink! all you need to do is pass this (TEST) so you can be blessed…wink! who gives a shyt what the friends say, they are being very very disrespectful to him and to you, but God sees all things and he knows the very heart of man.
          Many African American women are in horrid relationships because they choose (EYE-CANDY) for a mate, visa versa African American men too instead of waiting on God to bring there mate.
          The women don’t find the man, he finds her, especially when she’s being about her fathers business…
          This is just another serious (RED-DOT) on our list of black-love on SKID-ROW.. We don’t truly understand that God didn’t make any mistakes with his creations when it comes to the features of man period.
          Money media and walking away from our God is why African American aka: the black-family is in a serious down-spiral.

          *LoveEmAnyways be patient, give him a chance, trust God totally and keep those so-called friends out of your business concerning you and your man, they will selfishly kill-off / chip-away at your relationship. You sound very very mature and ready for this new adventure in your life, cling to it my sister and allow God to take it to another level.

          You have my blessing / PS: and know this: You cannot fool God by what’s in your heart!

          *(Redbone believes God is the one who sent this man into your life, because this is exactly how God works…wink!) ENJOY!!!

    • Great post! I personally would not marry a man that I am not attracted to and would not want a man that is not attracted to me. As Cambie stated, relationships and marriages are hard enough and I would not want to add that to the mix. I used to get angry with men when they stated how important looks were to them. Then I thought about it and I must agree with them – looks are important. I don’t think anyone would want to be with someone that is not their type in terms of looks. That would lead to other complications in the relationship/marriage. Every time a man or woman passes by that is their type, their head is going to spin around like the exorcist!

    • I also thought this was a great post. I’m single and feel the same way as you do. I don’t think attraction is a choice. If it’s not there for me it’s not going to work. Everyone is different though.

  2. Love is not a feeling, it is action. Reflect on your past relationships and see if the people who you were attracted to treated you well. If they had you wouldn’t be looking. There have been arranged marriages for decades and most worked out well because families looked for providers for their daughters first, then the love came.S€× goes away, respect and love will sustain long after the attraction fades(it does if you are not being treated right)

  3. Yes I would totally give that person a chance… been there before, there was totally no spark at all, no attraction what-so-ever, he had BIG-GIANT-TEETH and PATRUDDING GUMS like SHREK… But once we started communicating, became friends, laughter broke-out everywhere my heart made a 90 degree turn and I fell off the [email protected] cliff… LMBO!!! Too Funny!!

  4. Oftentimes people are attracted to a person that represents a fantasy. A woman marries a man who lacks the capacity to love her but looks ,”fine.” We objectify people and miss out on substantive relationships.

    • I couldn’t agree more, Cambie. The “one” for me would be kind, respectful, loving, and treat me like the Black Queen that I know I am!

      Look at all the women out here who married or hooked up with the one who was “so fine”…..and he was “so fine”, that he felt he could treat her “any old kinda way”….and did.

      That’s one of the reasons why 70% of our precious children are born out of wedlock. Because we go for “flash” instead of “substance.”

      • you and cambie are on point through a female perspective,but most of the
        time a man have to have a strong sexual desire along with the attractiveness
        in order to stay with the woman.whatever she got that arouses him,this is what
        keeps him,but a woman should only be concerned with if she is going to be
        satisfied in the bedroom,get along,and longevity of laughter.bottom lines is
        if a woman cant make a man rise below,she gotta go,and the so called fine men
        stay broke right ?,but i am one of them,but i am married to a beautiful blackwoman.

  5. I could never date a man that I was not physically attracted to…what is the point?For me the relationship would be doomed.

  6. Its a great question for mature adults-We know when Beauty meets the Beast(but he treated her right…she said yes and they lived happily ever after)Its a lesson ingrained in us from our early foray into fairy tales…..The Princess kissed the slimy green frog and he was transformed into a great person..Looking beyond the physical is an indication of where we should be going in our lives.Its what is in his heart and how genuine he is to you that really matters-not the physical or whether he is a great’bedroom bully’…

  7. Cynthia D Wilson on

    I would not put myself nor anyone else into this type of hâte. I will keep moving on but i will let them know.

  8. Choosing sexy over substance, integrity and decency is why 72% of black kids are born to single black mothers and a nation of black kids are at risk of sexing up males and females who might be their half brothers and sisters.

  9. How in the world can you marry somebody that you are not attracted to? I used to hear a lot of ladies say that they are willing to marry somebody they don’t love because they can learn to love him. My reply was, “You can learn to hate him, too.” Marriage is hard enough when you love and respect somebody, so how can you expect to have a successful marriage hooked-up with somebody you don’t love? To marry somebody you don’t love and you are not attracted to is nothing short of prostitution or pimping. Blalck woman, how can you fully respond physically to somebody you are not attracted to? You are just going through the motions. And you wonder why you are dead in the bed and miserable. That is one reason why so many of you commit adultery–you are seeking your real soul mate, that person who lights your fire. Deep down within, you know love is real. Deep down within, you know you should be having explosive orgasims! You will forever be hunting for that spark that will light your fire! So be honest with the nice guy you are not attracted to and leave him alone! If he insists on keeping you after you are honest with him then he deserves what he gets.
    All of this applies to men, too. Brothers, you cannot force love. She either loves you or she does not. You cannot buy love. As I have heard some say, “You can rent a woman for awhile but you can’t buy her heart!” If you insist on “keeping” her after you realize she doesn’t love you or she tells you such, they you also deserves what you get.
    To all: LOVE IS REAL AND STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE. It still energizes, and it is still explosive. Don’t go through life like zombies. LOVE AND BECOME!!

    • Excellent post. All of a relationship cannot be based on physical attraction but that is an important element . Now, I have seen men and women choose individuals who made poor spouses but were attractive. Beauty eventually fades and all we are left with is our character.

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