Why More Men are Saying NO to Marriage


no marriageBy Staff Blogger

Less and less young men want to get married. One of the biggest problems is that more and more women want to get married! The Pew Research Center recently did a study on young people and their views on marriage. The findings were interesting.

Women in the age group of 18-34 want to get married. Since 1997 the percentage of women this age who said that a successful marriage is extremely important to them rose from 28% to 37%.The number of men who say this however has dropped from 35% to 29%.

Suzanne Venker, is a writer whose expertise is in feminism and how it is affecting us. She stated that for the first time, there are more women than men in the workplace, and more women getting degrees in college than men. The power that women are creating has some men running scared, and some opting to not bother dating seriously at all.

Venker stated that with roles reversing now and women becoming the breadwinners, men are more afraid for their assets when they enter into a marriage, because of what they fear they will lose in a divorce. She says most men are not finding a benefit to marriage anymore.

Venker says that she has found a stunningly large group of men who have said that they are never getting married because “women aren’t women anymore.” They are tired of being told that they are wrong, or there is something wrong with them if the women in their lives aren’t happy.

The latest census data from Pew showed that as of 2012, only half of the US adult population is married, which has dropped significantly. In 1960 72% of US adults were married. Now everyone is single either by their choosing, or they have been caught in the high divorce rate that plagues the country. The median age for first marriages have risen too, with women now at 26.5 years old, and men at 28.7 years old.



    • Women are too available,a dime a dozen,so men can move on without commitment,that is the real reason,common somebody.

      • Alex, you’re so right. That other stuff is a bunch of bull. A lot of men do not want to be real and held accountable and instead for them to be forthright since society has caved in integrity and overall morality- they’d rather change women vs. having to work at a real serious commitment.

    • I mean for real real after we make them strong…..and deal with BS..smh…they are tried …we been tried but we keep going on…..

  1. Richard? You’re kidding right? This article was obviously directed towards heterosexual men and women. If you’re on the down low, stay there, don’t try to blame women for your sexual preferences. I think the problem is #1 the ratio of men to women and #2 the fact that less women are holding out and requiring that a man marry them. Men can get all the same benefits of marriage from a plethora of women without having to commit to marriage.

  2. This issue has always been and will always be about integrity and responsibility. So many men are lacking the internal fortitude to undertake and maintain a marriage. It’s so easy to adapt to a nomadic status, never settling down anywhere, having children and compounding the condition by not being responsible to that child. There is more emphasis on being a Laker fan than the woman you lie next to….. America, we are sick, and reject a cure…

    • Well spoken indeed, but let us not forget that unfortunately alot of women are running around morally bankrupt as well. There is no value on VALUES this days. Respect, honor, integrity, dignity, and virtue, are pretty low priorities these days

    • Tony, you are so right. As a woman, its offensive that a quote on quote loves sports more than he loves his woman. During football season we can forget about having a nice date on the weekends because of a game. Then we start feelng the negglect of you, suddenly its our fault.

    • AMEN to all of that, Tony!! I’m so glad to see these MEN on here taking a stand!! Generally that doesn’t happen.

  3. The bottom line is , by the time a brother gets to be in his early 30’s and his career has taken off. It only takes a few trips to church or the club to see, he is severely out numbered. A lot more sisters out there looking for a husband than heterosexual , well employed brothers looking for a wife. And so they take advantage of the numbers. Plain and simple .

  4. Some of the drama that women put men while dating is another reason why they don’t want to get married and I can understand this.

  5. If women will shack with a man, why should he marry her? Women, please don’t do it. You will get asked to marry quicker by not shacking with a man. Deep down inside, these women that shack would rather say “my husband” than “my friend”.

  6. It’s 2013. Things change. Women have more power and education now. Homosexuality is becoming the norm. We have a black president. No one should be surprised that many folks don’t value marriage anymore. Times are a changing. A man really has no incentive to get married anymore.

  7. The system of racism/white supremacy is responsible for the breakdown of the black male and female relationship and the black family structure. Dr. Francis Cress Welsing made this very clear in her book the Isis Papers and she continues to do so today.

    As she states, we need to fully understand the system of white supremancy in order for us to fully understand what’s happening to us and in our community. To continue to focus on ridiculous studies and relying our own speculations is pointless. We are spinning our wheels going nowhere but down hill.

    • Yep. It’s ALL the white supremacy. That’s exactly what Bill Cosby would say, I don’t doubt.

      This was intended as sarcasm.

  8. I’m interested in Marriage because

    1)I’m single with no kids. I’m not trying to raise the last 2 or 3 different dude’s kids. That’s corny.

    2)Today’s women are shameless & slutty.

    3)Marriage emasculates men.

    4)Today’s women resent being females. They aspire to be more like men.

    5)Women consider men who are willing to marry as “suckers” & “marks”. I know this for a fact.

    6)Most of the attention I get as a single man is from married women. Married women cheat more than married men because men are limited by the amount of money they can spend. Women are not.

    7)Power. As a single man with no kids who is straight & employed I have the “Power.” I’m not trying to lose that. Ever.

    8)I would consider marriage if I met a woman who was VERY wealthy. She would have to get down on 1 knee & ask me. Also I would want a car not a ring.

    9) How could every woman in the world be strong & independent while every woman in the world also wants to be married? Somebody’s lying.

    10)I worked too hard to get my mine. I’m not giving away nothing. Bump Dat.

  9. Truth is, it doesn’t benefit men.It’s a one sided contract that give women leverage.I have been married for almost 20 years, and I can honestly say that if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t.

  10. Marriage gives women fiscal and physical security, but it it is diminishing returns for the man.Men are dumb enough to think that women are going to play by any of the rules laid out in the contract. And they will use sex as the ultimate weapon and leverage. So I tell young men to not get anyone pregnant and to take their time and that marriage is a one sided contract that mostly benefits the woman. And all that sex you are having with your wife to be will start getting less and less or she will not keep herself in the condition that you want to have sex with you.She will have an excuse for either situation. I am too stressed or tired to have sex or too tired or stressed to exercise to keep that banging body she once had in shape.

    • Phoenyx Dean on

      What horrible advice. I feel sorry for your wife who has probably taken care of u very well. U seem mature in age but what immature & selfish advice. Those comments r why marriage is in the state its in. Encourage the young not discourage. Maybe u should’ve reevaluated. I wonder what ur wife thinks about u!6

  11. With all do respect Nikita, men are paying more attention to the the way women that are married abuse marriage, not what they were told about how wonderful and fair marriage is by women.They see a friend or family member that they know is a decent guy get his kids used as a weapon against him and or a woman ruin a guy financially by a woman that lives above her means or quits work because she doesn’t feel she has to contribute financially anymore even though she has increased her consumption.

  12. Guys are even more honest about what they saw their own mothers do to their fathers that was not fair or right.

  13. And let’s be honest, the crop of non cooking, obese, already have had a child or more and with more than one daddy, mean spirited, loud, lazy, selfish, non house cleaning,bad credit having, bipolar, non nurturing, drug and alcohol abusing, bisexual, violent women out there is not making guys want to run to the alter with you.

    • Thanx boss. The only reason I know anything about it is because I listened to many brothers like you who told me the truth. I payed attention. I know y’all ain’t got to lie.

      Excluding employment, the only thing that’s changed since Women’s Lib is women’s sexual behavior.

  14. Well I was lucky enough to find a woman,that didn’t have any kids,because I didn’tI was have any kids either,wasn’t married until I was forty and my first kid at 41,it all has to with do maturity

  15. Old school advice from a couple married for over 40 years. Marriage is work, work it like a job show up everyday and be a flexible. Everybody changes get over it and work to grow with your spouse. Keep God 1st and all others out. Last but not least unhappy people have unhappy marriages. Seriously men and women are responsible for the sad state of marriage today.

  16. Sadly and I do say “sadly” I agree so much with The Rain and Jay. Unfortunately, my gripe would be against black women. Not all black women, just the ones that I have dated the pasted few years in particular. I am 33, no kids, attractive, 85k/year income, descent credit, ect. and black women cannot down play pettiness and drama to win my affection and get a ring. I know that I will be talked about for this next comment but my life has been so much better since I started dating white women and will likely marry one. Good luck miss “independent.”

    • Not trying to be smart here… Seriously, I am not.

      But when you speak of ‘pettiness and drama,’ can you be more specific about what you consider to be petty and dramatic?

      I ask because of the subjectivity of things…

      • Thanks for honoring my subjectivity since I did state “from my experience.” Pettiness and drama: a willingness to be argumentative instead of finding a common concensus or compromise (if appropriate of course), seemingly finding pleasure in keep up a rift in the relationship, continuously repeating behavior that has been problematic in the past, wanting trust from me but displaying behavior that insights mistrust from me; things of that nature. And this was from my last relationship with a AA female. After re-reading I do regret the last part of my initial statement that seemingly glorified white women and berated sisters. That was more frustration. I can say that each has their strengths and limitations. But drama and pettiness is a deal breaker for me and from my experience, I am less likely to experience that with white women.

        • Fair enough. No worries. Thank you for responding.

          I ask these questions because I do not know these types of women. I’m not like that, and I guess I surround myself with some good people (which is a choice, of course). With living life, you learn to weed out the nonsense faster and more efficiently.

          I’ve never been about competitions, rivalries, etc. I have a lot to focus on, and I reject negative energy and am thankful to have a system of good brothers and sisters around me. I have long been a proponent of accepting positive energy, and rejecting negative energy, and being as kind to people as possible.

          Reading comments like these reminds me to be thankful. I wish you luck on your quest for positive and fulfilling partnership.

          Hotep, bruh!

        • MOST women are the same regardless of race. I’ve dated plenty of white women who were in debt. Many needed Xanax to cope with life (mostly due to poor choices they made). They had kids with deadbeats, so if I married her I’d be paying to raise another man’s children (and the single moms just expect I’m gonna love steppin’ in to raise their brood as if it’s single mommy’s divine right.) Looked at me as a wallet, or ATM, and not a partner. Continually did things that encouraged distrust rather than trust. The list never ends. There are a few decent women around, but they are FEW and FAR between.

          While there are certainly men who are asshats, these “knights” that want to protect women from their own responsibility in the decline of marriage are fools. As one radio personality states it, women in the last 20 years have become “scandalous skanks”. Facebook and other social media only encourage their misbehavior. Feminism has helped women become the cheating, lieing, lazy humans they like to claim men have always been. And even the chivalric knights will be victims to her asset stealing paws, maybe even moreso due to the vulnerability that male kindness provides women.

          No man with any sense would risk their life and assets to marriage….even to living with a woman.

  17. That is why smart black women need to go beyond the black male for marriage, there are tons of men in other races that are marriage material.

  18. Persephone really just said a lot of things that were on my mind.

    To underscore those sentiments, I would rather we talk to each other as men and women to build understanding.

    Vaughn, I am sorry that you had negative experiences with AA women. I find argumentative, pettiness or perpetual negativity to be a problem from anyone.

    Also, feminism does not mean abuse or disrespect of men, just like pro-black does not equal anti-white. Women have the right to earn the same money for the same job, freedom from and legal recourse for harassment and abuse, equal voting rights, access to credit and financial opportunities, essentially no gender-based limitations, period.

    No one should abuse or devalue their role in a marriage. Also know that most states have made adjustments to alimony laws with regards to a woman’s earning power. There is no free ride for anyone.

    Jay Jones also made some valid points. I, too hope you find someone that makes you reconsider only because you sound like you have a lot to offer as a husband and father. Though humorous, (with the car proposal, I think) your careful thought processes and decision making are what our community needs.

    When we insist upon individual responsibility from everyone, we will be better.

  19. My God, this is how men think? Looks like I’ll be with my cats @ 40…I missed the generation of men who thought and acted like men…

  20. I think part of the problem here is the we no longer value the act of courtship-you know taking the time to get to know one another. Everything in our modern times has to be quick,now and right away.

    One thing I noticed is that most of my female friends that got married were all very smart,FEMININE,caring and had very positive attitudes.In short they attracted the type of men who share the same values and morals that they had.

    Ladies understand one thing men and women are equal but not the same. We are supposed to support and balance each other in a relationship. The feminist movement screwed this up and now every is slowly realizing that it is better to let the man be the man and the woman be the woman. In short nature gave man and women roles in a sense. An instinct on how we should act naturally.Common sense.

    I have been married for 20 years and it has been hard work. But me and my wife always agree that were can defer to each other.

    Why do some men 9 and women)not want marriage? They just have not had anyone really show them what marriage really is aboout-a spiritual union.

  21. Oh my lord, after reading alot of these comments, my husband needs to consider his self a lucky man. My husband and I have together for 10 years. Out of those 10 years married for 8. No marriage is not perfect, but apparently it looks like that’s suppose to be the expectation of it! Look i am not a loud mouth, kid toting, alcohol drunk, selfish and etc
    ….. type of black woman that yall or either use to seeing or have encountered. Believe it or not there are alot of women out there like me: don’t have kids outside, got good common sense, educated, equally minded and so forth. It’s just god is not going to allow you to find before it’s time.

  22. I think we have been too cutlturally conditioned to believe the dos and don’ts of men and women, all these idiculous traditions that people wanna follow but ben their own rules. The first thing is you have to identify is what do you stand for. Before you marry, you ask questions and learn to compromise, and I say sign a pre-nup and give the marriage a two year trial, if it does not work or fair for you both move on without losing possessions and move comfortably in your next phase of life

  23. The reason why we dont want to commit is simple. Men and women all play games. I have been married before and I learned from experience. From marriage and dating other women. As I mentioned before that both play games. Men want to have their cake and eat it do. We want to have as much women as needed to make us feel good. We want to make sure our game is tight. Women play games like if they dont want no sexual stimulation with you, they would say. I have my period. How can you get your period twice a month? Periods usually come every 28 days. They think we are stupid. Just keep it real and say i dont want no dick. Also while men are taking these lovely women out several times. What is wrong with a woman taking a man out. Most women keep their money in their pocket and wont even offer a tip after the 3rd date. We dont want you to be wifey….

    • Get a white woman Jamal. Problem solved…… Trust me! No games, no bickering, no compromise. Affection without an asterick!

      • This is for Jamal, I second Vaughn’s comment…get yourself a white woman. Believe me, been there, done that and now happily married to a white woman for over 5 yrs now. We hardly ever argue. She knows how to approach and talk to me if there was an impending argument. She talks to me like I were a King and I return the favor; listen to her like she were a Queen….she stays calm, demure and respectfully gets her point across to me without wobbling her head(wig falling off), trying to be overly aggressive and all in my face…something my ex did all the time. Why she did this, I have no clue. I’m a 6’1 built gentlemen and could easily beat the shit out of her in a second. But see no reason to as a gentleman. If I needed to beat/box someone, I would sign up for MLA/Boxing to fight man and not a woman. A little background of myself to let you know where I’m coming from… I’m a professional(structural engineer for an oil and gas company…say this to let you know money was never an issue with my ex. No kids. Gave her $2500 monthly allowance in spite of her working and making her own income. I paid all the bills…all) I’m athletic built, very handsome gentleman, great personality, charming and never had a problem getting another woman then if I wanted to replace her outright. But chose to let things work but nothing worked…the more I tried the worse it got. The conclusion I arrived at was I was with an angry black woman looking for a nice brother to destroy. I didn’t spend 5 years in engineering school to put up with such crap. Since marrying the white woman she has been apologizing, calling, texting, emailing and wanting to come back. Had to get the court to stop her from trespassing on my property. I know there are some good sisters out there but they are less than 5%.’ meaning the probability of getting one of them is slim. So Jamal; go for white. The probability is well over 95%. SOME black women are inherently stup$id.

        • Drake, congratulations brother. Your journey is very similar to mine matriculating from black women to white women. Black women have an underserved since of ‘entitlement’ and queenship (though most are not regal at all). They are for the most part unappreciative, ungrateful, have horrible attitudes, and are very insecure. You are very true with the numbers. There’s less than 10% of black women that this doesn’t apply to. So what are the chances of a brother finding a good black women? Slim to none. And to you Shan, yes we treat white women better!!! Why, you ask? Because they don’t have children by men that were never their husband. We treat them better because their confidence in themselves allows them to act with humility and grace towards their man. We treat them better because they make us feel better. Ultimately, we treat them better because they treat us better! Now let me here the bitter black woman response to that!!!

    • That’s the problem right there. You said games! Real, down to earth, god fearing, good ladies don’t do games in the single or married life! Women that are like me or similar to me don’t believe in games! I tell anyone straight up, I am married. Marriage is a partnership between 2 people not a game to see who can gain more!

      • Men call it games when they cannot get sex when they want it- which is the 1st, 2nd or by the 3rd date whereby with white women- they’re getting head and probably taking her on real dates- not to TGI Friday’s and the movies. They’re probably not saying ‘come chill’ or let’s go for drinks either. These men are doing the most to show they have class with these white women & they need to stop the BS as they don’t do this with sistahs. I know it. They change their behaviors with white women until it’s clear that it’s a relationship & then they Lord over them while using her $$$. I’m so for real.

        • Yes we treat white women better!!! Why, you ask? Because they don’t have children by men that were never their husband. We treat them better because their confidence in themselves allows them to act with humility and grace towards their man. We treat them better because they make us feel better. Ultimately, we treat them better because they treat us better! Now let me here the bitter black woman response to that!!!

  24. Ok, first things first, a woman is a women! Color does not matter! And for the record vaughn, watch it cause they have a tendency to be sneaky! Date interracial because of love not for other reasons. Like for example it would be wrong of me to say before I was married I dated outside of my race because I felt that all black men was shallow and colorstruck against dark- skinned women, and for the record that was my full belief. Then I also believed that a majority of black men are thugs and uneducated. That was another reason for me dating outside my race. Which I later learned not only was that unfair but untrue. I married a wonderful caring black man in the end. Yeah, I will totally admit that there are bad apples out there but don’t miss out on a good sista because of them. But you know what! Out of all the comments not one time have I seen anyone ask for guidance on finding a mate. Oh my goodness. In order to have a institution founded by god, you have to go to him and ask. The foundation of a relationship / marriage is important. What foundation do you base your relationships on?

    • Tasha, I honor your comments and objectively you are right. My observations, however, are subjective as I speak from my experience (See previous comments). Maybe all AA women are not about games and drama. But the ones I have encountered are full of both! I am 33 and I am tired of giving benefit of the doubt and trying to make things work. AA women have strengths that white women don’t and vice versa. But as I stated before in previous comments, the games and drama in particular is a deal breaker for me. And that is what I encounter out of each and every AA woman I have dated. I have yet to notice any of this in the past year that I have dated white women. I have a great job, great income, great values, highly educated, and intelligent. I just got tired of barking up the wrong tree. After trying something new, I am happy. But that works for me and from my experience, it is about race.

  25. I agree with the “dime a dozen” statement. That coupled with the lack of control shown by men is why couples are doomed from the start. Everyone wants more then they are willing to give.

    We all walk around with the excuse “I am this way because men/women ain’t s*it”. Wanting something good while behaving bad has been leaving impressions on both sexes, making the thought of simply “doing right” seem like a “punk” or a naive move. Top that off with the selfish behavior that has been passed on through the generations.

    “The grass is greener…” “I deserve more” mothers say “I am a women” , fathers say “I am a man” to excuse almost everything. We forget as children its not just listening, its watching, and they see more then anyone realizes. The lives led by these parents dictate the wants of their children as adults.

    Instead of learning to love and grow with each other, we are have learned to judge and quit, as if any of us are perfect.

    I tried to keep it short (sorry)

  26. I have a beautiful daughter but two babies later she is still not married. I’ve told her then and still fell strongly that she is not because she slept w them TOO soon the relationship, she dressed too provacatively when she was out around men. And said to say she wanted things her way. She got mad whn I would tell her. At 34 she wants to be married but has not found anyone. Got A 55 year old best friend with exact problem. Ladies need to Change their thinking. Men will NOT marry you for the above reasons. Rethink how you present yourselves. From a old school Mom that’s just remarried!

    • Pat I truly honor your wisdom and grace. Unfortunately many black women today won’t heed to your counsel. However, keep speaking the truth!

  27. Well, reading these comments reminds me of why I stay away from black men and am disappointed as hell by a lot of black women. Thanks for the refresher.

    First of all, I feel that people don’t understand what marriage is supposed to be about before they venture into it. People put more thought into that expensive one-day show than they do what it’s going to take to maintain the partnership. Relationships fall apart because people don’t have the skills to maintain it, then they want to play the blame game – no insight into what they needed to do differently as an individual. Trust, communication and balance are vital to marriage and when you violate those things, the union is bound to experience strife or completely fall apart. Nothing works when things start falling apart and people keep doing more of the same or worse and only thinking of themselves instead of taking pause to evaluate the situation and find a way to set things right.

    I’ve always believed in monogamy. And marriage benefits both partners if they educate themselves know how do it right from the beginning. No marriage can survive on sex alone, and even with love, you have to have skills to keep it all together. Whether male or female, you have to sift through a lot of trash these days to find the good ones, and for me, as a woman, part of that trash is the men who are the subject of this article. If you aren’t interested in marriage, you aren’t interested in me.

    And, knowing the visual nature of men and how they tend to think with the brainless head…if you’re chasing women who think twerking, tight clothes and tight weaves are the way to a man’s heart, and hanging out in strip clubs and bars, how can you ever expect to find a decent black woman? Or even know what one looks like when you meet her? If you chase fake, you get fake. And when you come across a woman who’s handling her business and has expectations, man up and know that you can’t pull the same crap with her that you did with Ms. Fake.

    You get what you chase.

  28. I’m that woman that men never seem to be ready for. Then months down the line they come crawling back, all humility, after they realize what they’ve lost. It’s too late then!

    • No offense Una. You sound like you may be a nice woman. However, marriage is not a “loss”. These guys may think they “lost” something and come crawling back, but in time they realize they “dodged a bullet”.

      Men are realizing marriage is nothing more than a jail where women benefit and men risk it all. It’s not commitment-phobia, or “not being ready”. Men know that most marriages end in divorce, that wives are initiators of 70 to 90% of divorce (90% if the wife is educated), and that if they have children the family courts favor her most of the time. Not to mention alimony rewards in most states.

      Further, most women I’ve dated think their happiness is my all important goal, and that she is entitled to my everything while I get her scraps. If she has kids from another man, then the guy is even further down the priority list…and with the number of women having kids out of wedlock and in divorce there are TONS of single moms out there. Men know that chivalry only gets him taken advantage of, and kindness is a weakness most women will use to gain what they want. A woman expects a man’s wallet to always be open, but once she “traps” him she thinks the sex and her responsibility to the relationship should end.

  29. Pingback: Nomalanga: When did Black men decide against ‘protect, provide & lease’ for their women? | The Westside Gazette

  30. 50% of marriage end in divorce 75% of the applications for divorce is file by wife's I am 37 y/o why sure I married ? I will protect my assets and date girls btw 18 to 21 and play my x-box I don't care about feminist BS anymore !!!

  31. Lakieta Topps-Kelly on

    Men don't want to get married because getting sex is much easier now. Let's face it women are much looser now and are willing to take on having a child and supporting it on their own

  32. And being single is such a leap forward. I think people are screwed in the head to think that being single is better than married, if the divorce rate is so high for americans, what is the depressed rate for single people during the holidays? Hmmmm?

  33. Fuk tha holidays cuzzo. marriage is jus a ring on ya finger and bullshit u can and cant do without each other and have a possibility to take half of his/her money depending pre-nup circimstances Fuck MARRIAGE. ITS OVER RATED

  34. The College degree stats are inflated. Yes women are graduating more, but typically they are getting worthless degrees like gender studies etc.
    Also females are encouraged more to go to college than males by the media and with government programs. Also a lot of males are waking up to the fact that you don’t need a degree to be successful(some of the wealthiest people(all men) never finished or went to college).
    I find it interesting that one is saying women are becoming the breadwinners, but at the same time women are saying they are paid less then men for the same job…

  35. As an oral surgeon I am very fortunate to make over $250k per year. I have dated a couple of black females but not enough to give a fair opinion. As a Caucasian male I haze dated hundreds of white American women and have found the vast majority are controlling and after the $$$. I have found it to be a much better use of time and resources to travel the world and have casual sex with women from every continent and not have the headache of dealing with one American woman who has been trained on how to liquidate a man. So fellas, black, white, yellow or purple DO NOT GET MARRIED OR BE MARRIED IN THE UNITED STATES. If you need marriage marry a woman from anywhere but DO NOT RESIDE IN THE US because you will be subject to US courts and they will ALWAYS SIDE WITH THE WOMAN.

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